Friday, April 27, 2012

Five Dead Guys

I was in my friend’s hair salon recently - and let me just go off on a tangent here, because I consider myself lucky that she even lets me come there, because every single time, I manage to offend some other customer, either with my colorful language (motherfucker is a color, right?), my outspoken political views, the fact that I show up with booze, or  - my personal favorite – my liberal use of the word vagina for the express purposes of watching people try to pretend like it doesn’t bother them. Honestly – my friend is a saint for still loving me. 

Aaaaaanyway, I was in the salon, and we got to talking about celebrity men and how we’re old because we think that the celebrities of yore (I’m not totally sure what “yore” means, but I like saying it) were so much more attractive than the celebrity men of today. So, of course this led to me mentioning my Five Dead Guys I’d Do List. And this was the point where everyone shut up and looked at me like I was some kind of freak. But the joke was on them because I wasn’t talking about five dead guys I’d do AFTER THEY WERE DEAD! Jeesh – I’m not a sicko. Much.

I had to explain that to them, because clearly, they just assume I’m some kind of sick necrophiliac, which I’m totally not. I mean, really. Live men smell bad enough most of the time, much less dead ones. And these guys have been dead for a long time! There’d be nothing left but bones. And sure – a bone might be what we’re talking about here, but I’m a woman and everyone knows women like to cuddle afterward and YOU CAN’T CUDDLE BONES, PEOPLE! Use your heads! 

And besides – there is a quote by someone I can’t remember and I am too lazy to look up about how a man never looks behind a door unless he has hidden there himself. And if you’re thinking what the hell does a door have to do with having sex with dead people, you need to put down the vodka and listen – I will translate: It means that when you mention a perfectly innocent and wholesome thing like a Five Dead Guys I’d Do List and your sick friends’ minds go directly to necrophilia – your friends are sick and clearly think about necrophilia more than is healthy. And by “more than is healthy” I mean “AT ALL.” Sickos.

So after I explained that necrophilia is wrong and they are all sick for thinking about it, they still thought that my Five Dead Guys I’d Do List was weird, which surprised me because I thought everyone had a Five Dead Guys I’d Do List. Turns out, they don’t. which is dumb, because a Five Dead Guys I’d Do List makes perfect sense as far as Guys I’d Do Lists go – your significant other can’t get jealous, because they’re dead and you can’t actually do them. Unless you’re a sick necrophiliac like my friend and her clients. But the rest of us normal, non-sicko people are OK and if our husbands and boyfriends get jealous, we can simply respond with, “They’re dead! What, do you think I’m some kind of sicko? Sicko!”

I probably shouldn’t tell you who is on my Five Dead Guys I’d Do List, because those of you who aren’t busy with your sicko necrophilia thinking will get all “HEATHEN! BLASPHEMY!” on me when I tell you one of the dead guys on my list. But you all know me and already know I'm a heathen. And really, if all the necrophilia talk hasn't scared you off, then nothing will. So, without further ado (and in no particular order):

Five Dead Guys I’d Do:

Cary Grant:

The quintessential handsome man. I don’t usually go for the cleft chin look, but he wins me over with the smoldering look. He’s suave and debonair.  I don’t even know what debonair is, but he is definitely it.

Paul Newman:

I had a hard time picking a photos, because Holy Smokes, was that man ever sexy. He was sexy at 20 and still sexy at 80. Roooowwrr!

Gregory Peck:

Just look at those lips.


I know! This is the Heathen! Blasphemy! Part. But if he looks like the traditional renderings, then he’s right up my ally with the sexy hippie look. I’m sorry!

Marlon Brando. This one:

Not this one:

Honorable mention:

Clark Gable:

I can’t officially put him on the list, because at first I see his photo and think “How YOU doin?” but if I look at it for more than a few seconds, I see how much he looks like my grandfather, and ewwwwww.

Jim Morrison:

He exudes sexiness, but I also think he’d smell.

James Dean:
Sexy, but maybe a little bit too wee and pretty for me.

So, tell me - who is on your  Five Dead Guys I’d Do List? You know you have one.

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Saturday, April 21, 2012

I Made It! Market Giveaway WINNER!

OK, so I drew a winner and gave her a week to get in contact, but she hasn't, so it;s time to draw a new one!

once again, I asked to to pick a winner for the adorable glass turtle nightlight and this time it gave me this:

Comment #2 was Allison!

Allison, I'll be contacting you to get your info!

Thanks for entering, everyone!

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Tuesday, April 17, 2012

And then my head exploded

I have a facebook friend who – wait, let me back up. I have a person who is a facebook “friend” – the quotes are necessary because this person isn’t my friend. I’m not really sure how I even connected with this guy, but I do know it was a long time ago, before I caught on to the fact that I don’t have to accept every friend request that comes my way. Anyway, this “friend” couldn’t be more different from me. I knew from his own status updates that he had very different views on just about every topic that is meaningful to me, but I never let it bother me because people are different – we don’t all have to be cookie-cutter mold of each other. I can appreciate – or maybe sometimes simply tolerate other people’s views as long as they aren’t hurting anyone. I appreciate that people tolerate mine – I know I am radically left compared to a lot of people I know. He can have his opinions, I can have mine, we can talk about the weather instead, and done.

Except suddenly I am seeing that some of his opinions aren’t simply different from mine – they are the exact opposite of everything I strive to be and teach my children. They are pure, unmitigated ignorance and hate.

I posted a link to a story about a speaker at a tea party gathering who responded to LGBT protesters by screaming “‘We Will Not Be Silenced By F***ots!’” and commented on how it’s hard to teach kindness and acceptance to children when adults say those kind of things. And then he pulled out an old favorite of the ignorant bigot and associated homosexuality with child molestation. And then my blood pressure shot up, blew the top of my head off, and got brains all over my office, the end.

OK, not really – instead, my blood pressure shot up, I got an instant headache, and I came here to vent.

Take a look at the comments in question (click to view a larger version):

I particularly like how the best thing he can come up with to insult me with is “bleeding heart liberal democrat.” I am a bleeding heart liberal democrat. I’m about as far left as you can get and I’ve never tried to hide that fact. And not only am I proud, I certainly don’t take offense when you call me that, regardless of whether you meant it as an insult. But not everyone who believes in kindness and acceptance of others is a bleeding heart liberal democrat and it’s an insult to them to assume as much.

And in 2012, I am damned sick and tired to this non-existent link between homosexuality and pedophilia. It’s bullshit and the only people who don’t know it seem to be this bigot and the members of the Westboro Baptist Church. But I think the part that pisses me off the most (and I see this a LOT when someone leaves a bigoted or otherwise ridiculous comment on someone’s opposing viewpoint) is the claim that I “introduced the subject.” I don’t know about you, but I am a little unclear on how I introduced the subject. I did introduce the subject of kindness and acceptance, but he brought the crazy.

And it IS crazy, to take a statement about kindness and turn it into this. You don’t have to know me from Adam, but I think it’s a pretty safe bet to assume that if I am talking about things like kindness and acceptance (especially in the context of a story about gay bashing) of people who are gay. Or a different race. Or a different religion. Or a million other things that do not include child molesters.

Because if it is true that I actually did leave it open by not specifically saying “acceptance of those who are not child molesters” then I clearly have a new hobby. And that hobby is responding to everything that people like him say with a question about child molesters. Kind of like this:

Bigot: Good morning.


Bigot: Merry Christmas!


Bigot: Welcome to Walmart!

See – fun!

Come on. If you want to debate a topic – fine. If you want to believe your hateful bullshit – fine (just keep it away from me), but don’t try pointing your tiny little finger back at me and telling me I asked for it. I imagine if you truly believe that, then “she asked for it” is a valid defense on a rape trial, too, isn’t it?

It’s pretty much a given that when people talk in broad strokes about kindness and acceptance and even basic tolerance, that there are some groups that they aren’t specifically including – child molesters being at the top of the list. I tend to assume (perhaps naively) that most people are not pro-molester, but that’s just me. Maybe it’s just the bleeding heart liberal democrat talking, but if it is, I wouldn’t want to be any other way.

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Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Giveaway: I Made It! Market and Very Merry Glass

Have you heard about I Made It! Market? If not, don't feel bad - I hadn't either until somewhat recently myself. But I am so glad I did. Because it's a pretty cool concept. On their website, I Made It! Market describes itself as "a fantastical, nomadic, pop up handmade shopping place," which is pretty accurate. but for those of you who want to know a little more about what that means, I Made It! Market is a nomadic indie crafts marketplace provides opportunities for artists to bring their wares to market and we partner with community, arts and non-profit organizations to raise funds and awareness to assist them in improving our communities. Basically, a pretty awesome concept - crafters and artists get an opportunity to sell their products, shoppers get a chance to buy locally made, interesting, and beautiful things, local communities and organizations benefit, and everyone gets a chance to enjoy a fun day out and meet some great people. What's not to love?

While the whole family can enjoy I Made It! Market any time, on Saturday, April 21th, they are having an event that is aimed at families with children, called I Made It! Market Jr. More than 30 artists will offer handmade wares geared especially to kids and parents. Plus, there will be fun music, handmade gifts made just for your favorite kiddo, face painting, a photo booth, and family fun activities.

One of those artists is allowing me to host a giveaway here. The very talented Mary makes delightful stained glass nightlights. I have always wanted to learn to do stained glass, but lets be honest here - I am 1) impatient, 2) easily distracted, and 3) clumsy as all get-out. None of these attributes work well with such an art - I would be surrounded by broken glass, probably bleeding, and definitely crying. So I leave it to the truly talented. Take a look at some of her designs (Head over to her Etsy shop, Very Merry Glass, and see all her designs):

One lucky reader will be getting this adorable turtle nightlight:

Adorable! (seriously - I should keep it for myself)

All you have to do is leave me a comment - any comment. Tell me if you're crafty and if so, what you like to make. Of not, what you would like to be crafty at. Or tell me anything at all and you're entered. Tweet it & let me know you did and you'll get an extra entry. You don't have to be local and you don't have to attend the event (though it sounds like a lot of fun).

I will pick a winner on Friday, April 20th, so enter now.

Here's more information about the event:

I Made It! Market and Bakery Square present Family Fun in the Square: I Made It! Market presents a pop up marketplace featuring handmade items for babies and bigger kids. I Made It! Jr. will take place as a part of Bakery Square’s Family Fun in the Square on Saturday, April 21st from 12 - 4pm offering unique items hand crafted by 30 local artisans. Come and dance to fun music, get your picture taken with friends in a photo booth, have your face painted and more! For more information, or to learn about our artists, visit

Facebook Event:

Update: I will adding links to other I Made It! Jr giveaways here:

Dawn is giving away a personalized set of a onesie, a blanket, and four burp cloths from Grace in Abundance. To enter, go here.

Dina is giving away roll-up crayon case from Gillie Beans Boutique. To enter, go here.

LinkMrs. Burgher is giving away an adorable set of felt play food. To enter, go here.

Burghbaby is giving away a photography session, one 8x10 and one 5x7 from Anne Lopez Photography. To enter, go here.

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Friday, April 6, 2012

Ridiculous Things That Piss Me Off

Sunday night, I tweeted that every Sunday about 7:30, I start getting pissed off because my weekend is over. Then, on the way home from work, I found myself getting pissed about some other insignificant thing and I realized that I get pissed about quite a few ridiculous things. Not irritated or disgusted or sad – but mad – pissed off.

Sunday nights: As I said, I get pissed on Sunday evenings because my weekend is over. I don’t mean that I’m bummed or sad – I mean pissed. I actually get mad at Sunday night. For existing. I imagine I am a delight to live with.

Dole Whip being the wrong flavor: OK, I am a big, HUGE Dole Whip addict. Dole Whip is non-dairy soft-serve in fruit flavors. I love it because it is delicious and also non-dairy. And it’s sold in Walt Disney World, so I associate it with my happy place. But I only like the pineapple. Well, that’s not true, exactly – I like all the flavors (mango, strawberry, raspberry, etc) well enough, but I don’t really care about them one way or another – I only have eyes for the pineapple. And when I stop at one of the only two places around that carry it and they are serving any flavor other than pineapple, I get pissed. I get indignant that anyone would even consider having a flavor other than pineapple.

Internet Explorer: It makes me crazy when I see someone using IE. Actual, pissed off crazy.

Toilet Paper being the wrong way: Yes there is a right way and it is OVER, nut under. And if I find it under (even outside my own home), it pisses me off and I can’t believe that anyone could be so heinous as to have their toilet paper installed incorrectly.

Lent: I know - why would lent make me mad? The answer to that would be: Have you forgotten I am crazy? Because that’s the only explanation. But lent pisses me off. I grew up in a church where we didn’t give things up for lent or forgo meat on Fridays, so it’s understandable that it’s not my “thing.” But it pisses me off anyway. Not the people who do it – they’re great. But the mere concept of it pisses me off. Probably because I have so many other things to go to hell for (being pissed off at lent, perhaps?), and I don’t believe that giving something up or not eating meat means a damned thing.

Grammar over-correction: OK – we all hate when people use your instead of you’re or there instead of their, etc. but the one that pisses me off the very most is when people misuse me and I. Not in the way you would suspect, though. I don’t love it when someone uses me when they should use I (“John and me went to the store” vs “John and I went to the store”), but what REALLY pisses me off is when someone makes the opposite mistake (“She brought a gift for John and I” vs the correct “She brought a gift for John and me”). While the first one irritates me, I understand that it is based in either a simple mistake (which I sometimes make myself) or lack of knowledge. But what pisses me off about the second is that it stems from people trying to look smart. They think that it is ALWAYS correct to use I rather than we. And I know (or my crazy mind makes me think) that when they hear me speak CORRECTLY and say “for John and me” that they are thinking that I am wrong and dumb and they are right and smart and better than me. And that sends me into fits of rage and frustration. And what aggravates me the most is that I learned this in 3rd grade and it’s the easiest thing to remember: Remove the other person from the sentence and it will be clear which to use. You would say “Me is going to the store” or “She brought a gift for I.” See – easy!

Did you try: It pisses me off when I express a problem I am having and someone replies with “Did you try (insert some very basic fix here)?” I know that people are trying to help, but when I talk about years of problems with my mother and you respond with “Did you try talking to her about it?” I will punch you in the face. Because if I am so stupid that after 43 years, it never occurred to me to try that, then I am too stupid to be alive. Take that rage and multiply it by approximately 10 hojillion and that will give you an idea of how pissed off I get when I am having computer problems and someone says, “Did you try restarting it?”

I'm crazy and I know it.

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Tuesday, April 3, 2012


Every time I feel like I am back on the regular blogging wagon, something distracts me and I'm all "what blog?" It's not that I don't have anything to say - everyone who knows me can vouch for the fact that I always have something to say. I just get to where I have 3 or 4 blog posts in my head and then they get all jumbled and then suddenly, what I thought was funny or interesting sounds stupid and then I don't write anything at all. Not that I'm crazy or anything.

Let's see - what is up with me these days?

Oooh - I know! The girl and I joined some friends for a day at an indoor amusement park. Not an amusement park, exactly, but traveling fair of sorts, that set up shop in Cleveland's convention center. The day started with us meeting up at Michelle's house and that's when the noise started. We walked in the door and spent the next 13 hours listening to this AT FULL VOLUME: CHATTER CHATTER BLAH BLAH SQUEEEE! YAY! WOO! AAAAAAAAAA!!! CHATTER SQUEAL SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM BLAH BLAH CHATTER CHATTER CHATTER.

So, no peaceful napping in the car.

Before we went, I expected it to be mostly kiddie rides, but I was pleasantly surprised to see lots of thrill rides, too. Of course, the girl isn't big on thrill rides, so I had my work cut out for me. Bribery was involved. I know - bribery is wrong, but I don't care. It got her on a roller coaster, and she LIKED IT. Liked it so much, in fact, that she and Alexis dragged us back on it approximately 2,346 times. And every time, Michelle and I were convinced that this was the time that the safety measures would fail and we go plunging to our deaths. In Cleveland. But luckily it didn't and we came away unscathed. Well, except for our eardrumns. In addition to the aforementioned chatter, the noise in the convention center was sort of a dull roar - not painful, just a continuous drone that blocks out most voices, so all day, you and everyone around you are screaming at each other. Pretty much like being home when my husband has control of the remote.

All in all it was a fun day. The game people weren't too annoying, so we only dropped about 17 thousand at the booths, vs the 25 we would have at the county fair (and the employees had WAY more teeth). The funhouses were an extra charge of a dollar, which was total bullshit, given that they weren't funhouses, but more NotParticularlyFunTinySpacesBehindAFacade. Actually, I take that back. There was one that was all black light, 3D which was fun. Especially the part where I INSISTED that the room was moving and Michelle didn't believe me. Because she knows nothing about movement. Or science. Or the universe. IT WAS MOVING.

And then there was the one that we let the girls go in by themselves, which was a mirror maze. We watched them from the outside as they walked directly into walls and windows (seriously - we heard the loud BONKs from outside. And we laughed like the terrible, cruel mothers that we are. And then we failed miserably as we missed out on the best photo op of the day, when both girls came out all smiling and giggly, with matching BONKmarks on their heads. I don't know why we didn't take photos. I think we were thinking about french fries or something.

All in all it was a good day. I think we only had tears once - after we convinced the girls that the free-fall ride was fun (it was) (they disagreed). And the girls were well behaved (at least as far as we could hear in that place). There were very few lines, so we walked on most everything. No one puked (though we came close after a couple spinny rides). And then on the way home, we almost ran out of gas on a dark, scary road. Good times.

They love each other:

These guys were apparently ecstatic to have beaten two tiny girls in a slide race:

There was a petting zoo and it had a mini horse. And that mini horse had a MINI MINI HORSE!

We payed a dollar for this shit:


Crazy circus guy:

All around fun:

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