How To...

How to feel old:

Watch American Idol on “Songs from the Year You Were Born” Night. Nothing makes you feel like an old geezer quite like being reminded that some of these people (All but one of whom are chronological adults. And several of whom are married) were just being born while you were out drinking and smoking and having sex. Well, expect for that one guy. You may have only been ten when he was born. You know, if you were telling your age (which everybody knows anyway).



How to be a diva. Or perhaps, Mrs. Howell:





How to be the next Mickey Hart*:

*OK, clearly, I don’t know many drummers and I narrowed it down from Phil Collins (who makes me want to stab myself), Rick Allen (who only has one arm and who wants to wish that on their kid?) and Tommy Lee (and speaking of things one doesn’t want to wish on their kid: Pam Anderson, Hepatitis and crabs)




How to crack you mother up (and simultaneously make her feel guilty for her vocabulary):

“Bean – why is the dog barking? Can you look and see if someone is coming”

“OK, Mom. Stop barking! There’s no one coming, you jackass


How to put your foot in your mouth while watching a commercial for Moment of Truth:

“Asking a question like ‘have you ever regretted marring your spouse is unfair.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s a rock/hard place question. No one wants to admit it, but everyone has thought that at some point in their marriage”

“I haven’t”

Jeez – next you’ll be telling me that not everyone has plotted their spouse’s death. And set up their BFF as an alibi (Hi, Hedge!)

(For the record, I think he’s lying. I know I’m a bitch.)



How to be the world’s worst photographer:
Take Easter photo with “Cops” on in the background…

Because nothing says, “Jesus Lives” quite like a televised drunk driving arrest.



How to look insane: