An Actual Conversation I Actually Had with an Actual Pizza Shop Employee

Saturday night I got home later than I had planned, so mr b and I decided that instead of cooking, we would order some sandwiches from one of the local pizza shops. The exchange between me, my husband and the pizza shop employee has proven my hypothesis that some people are just too stupid for words. I swear to you - this actually happened!

Me: Hi, I'd like to order a whole mushroom cheesesteak with lettuce, tomatoes and dressing...

Pizza Shop Guy: Ummmm.....

Me: Hello?

PSG: Yeah, um...I'm not finding that on the menu.

Me: Huh?

PSG: Yeah - I don't know what that is.

Me: A cheesesteak.

PSG: Yeah. We don't have that.

Me: ?????

PSG: Hello?

Me: You don't have cheesesteaks? The thing we order all the time?

PSG: I don't see it here.

Me: You do have cheesesteaks.

PSG: Um...OK...what do you want, then?

Me: a whole mushroom cheesesteak with lettuce, tomatoes and dressing...

PSG: Dressing?

Me: Yeah - Italian dressing.

PSG: OK. A salad with steak and dressing and lettuce.

Me: Yeah, and I also need...Wait, what? Not a salad.

PSG: You said dressing.

Me: On my cheesesteak.

PSG: Your what?

Me: Cheesesteak!

PSG: I can't find that on the menu. We don't have that.

Me: YOU DO HAVE THAT

PSG (now getting pissy because I am stupid): I'm sorry but it's not on the menu and I don't know what that is!

Me: You don't know what a cheesesteak is?

PSG: It's not on our menu.

Me: It IS on your menu, and it's a sandwich! A Hoagie! With steak and cheese!

PSG": Oh, OK - what do you want on that?

Me: Mushrooms, lettuce, tomatoes and dressing.

PSG: OK, that doesn't come with mushrooms.

Me: I am asking you to put them on! Please!

PSG: Cheese hoagie with lettuce, tomatoes...

Me: NO! Not a cheese hoagie! A cheesesteak hoagie. With mushrooms and lettuce and dressing. And steak and cheese!

PSG: I don't think we have that.

Me: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

At this point, I handed the phone to mr b so I could get my shoes on, drive down there and beat this jackass senseless.

Mr b: Hello?

PSG: I can't find that on the menu.

Mr b: We order from you guys all the time. You DO have this on the menu.

PSG: I don't think we do.

Mr b: Are you new? Is there someone else that can talk to me?

PSG: If you can hang on for a few minutes.

Mr b: Really? OK - listen - this is what we want: a whole mushroom cheesesteak with lettuce, tomatoes and dressing...

PSG: Um...

Mr b: OMG

PSG: Yeah - I'm not sure if we can make that.

Mr b: Seriously, are you new?

PSG: I'm new here, but I have been in this business for a while.

Mr b & Me: HEADS EXPLODE!!!!!

I'm not blogging about it!

There are two things I hate to blog about: being sick and how I'm not blogging. The first because by mid February, I am usually sick to death of hearing people bitch about being sick (myself included - I can't even stand myself when I'm sick), and I don't want to expose you lovely people to it. The second because blogging about not having anything to blog about is the adult equivalent of "Mom, I'm boooooooorrrrrrrrred!" and thus totally annoying.

So anyway.

Mostly, I have backed off from blogging because the main things on my mind lately have been things I can't really write about. Like other people's business. For example, my best friend discovered that she was married to a pedophile (WAY worse than the arrogant, self-inflated, not-as-smart-as-he-thinks, annoying, sociopathic, cheating asshole that I always knew he was). And now she is in a same sex relationship, which I fully support, but come on - when you know someone all your life and then one day there is suddenly this big new thing, it's weird. Not bad weird - just takes some getting used to weird.

And then we had the stuff I couldn't blog about because I was concerned for my safety. Yeah - you read that right - safety. No - I didn't have any crazy blog commenters or anything (I don't have enough readers for that. I mean you guys are crazy, but not that kind of crazy) - I actually had a friend & her husband that our family was very close to turn into raving lunatics and blame all their woes on my husband, then proceed to harrass and even threaten us. So I was pretty consumed with that for a while. Plus - despite the fact that I never shared my blog with her, I'm not completely anonymous and there's always the chance she could find it. So I didn't want to incite anything by talking about it, nor did I want to share much of what was going on in my life with crazy, prying eyes.

So, in a nutshell - I haven't been blogging much, excuses, blah blah BLAH, THIS DOESN'T COUNT AS BLOGGING ABOUT IT. I'll be back when I have something nice to say.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

OK - you know me - I'll be back when I have something nice else to say.

Dear Slate Magazine: Really?

Dear Slate Magazine,

Despite the fact that you go on to answer the question with "They're not!" headlines like this are the reason are sons - and especially our daughters - value beauty over brains. STOP IT NOW!