The F-Word

I had quite a holiday weekend! On Friday, I decided that it would be a great idea to go to the grand opening of a new outlet mall in my area. Go ahead - I’ll wait while you laugh at my idiocy. Clearly, I am completely egocentric, because in my head, I was off work, while everyone else was in the office, so obviously, I would have the place all to myself. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah – pretty much everyone in PA, WV and OH had the same idea. Traffic was backed up and barely moving. Once we got into the mall drive, I noticed that along with the line of cars heading in, there were also quite a few heading out. Being stupid, I thought – wow – people are leaving already? When, in fact, they were the beginning of the mile-long, continuous line of cars that were circling the place. There was no one leaving, no parking spaces, even hundreds of cars parked along the street. And only then did I realize how very, very stupid I am. Needless to say, we left and headed to another mall, so I didn’t feel like I wasted the day. And also because I was hungry.

I had plans for Hedge and Rapunzel to come over on Sunday for a big birthday sleepover, so I spent all of Friday night and Saturday cleaning and getting ready. We got moved into the new family room and got a bunch of other organizing and cleaning done. I was exhausted, but I was glad to have it done. I got a little pissed at mr b because he kept disappearing to help a friend with something, or head to Home Depot again or to pick up a prescription, or any other number of things to avoid working. Meanwhile, I was mainlining Advil for my excruciating, furniture-moving backache. And on Saturday, my mother kept calling. Every 15 minutes with nothing to say. Over and over, until I wanted to scream, “woman – I have work to do!” And then, Saturday night, mr be informed me that he wanted to take me to dinner on Sunday. Which would normally have been fine, but I had company coming and didn’t have time. But NO, he insisted that we go for an early dinner before the girls came over. I was irritated, but I didn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth.


So I spent all of Sunday morning cleaning and organizing and shopvac-ing, and scrubbing and washing and suffering and then he went to fucking Lowe’s. And I hated hikm. And then went to his friend Vince’s to help him with something, while we had 60 FRAJILLION THINGS THAT I NEEDED HELP WITH!! And then he took the kids to my mom’s so we could go to the stupid restaurant, for my stupid dinner when all I wanted was to stay home and wait for Drunkover 2008 to start. And then he comes home and pisses around while I am STARVING, because I didn’t have time to eat a single bite all day, what with his not helping me at all.


Does anyone see where this is going? Because I, being stupid, did not


So we FINALLY leave for the restaurant of death and he says, “I just have to stop at Vince’s on the way to drop off an extension cord.” And then my head exploded and I told him FUCK Vince, and FUCK dinner, because if he wants to help Vince, he can just move the fuck in with Vince and marry him and take HIM to a birthday dinner and he tried to say it was on the way when it WAS NOT, IN FACT, ON THE WAY. And then we passed Vince’s house, because apparently Vince was working at the park (that he runs) and the park was MOST DEFINITELY NOT ON THE WAY - AT ALL!!!!!!!


And yet, I still did not catch on, because I was too busy being a pissed off bitch.


So we get to the park and Vince is nowhere to be found and mr b is all “where the hell is he?” and I’m all “fucking fuckity fuckballs” and then I notice that there is something going on at the pavilion and then I notice that the something involves black balloons. And then I notice that there is a woman at the something involving black balloons who looks suspiciously like my grandma and suddenly, I was all, “Oh HELL NO!”


He got me.


It was awesome – my family and his family and my friends were there and everyone had a great time and there was lots of booze and lots of awesome food and did I mention the booze? And there was a delicious cake, baked my sister-in-law. And there were a bazillion grape leaves from my friend who doesn’t even eat them, but made them for me. And there was a brand new blender from Hedge and Rapunzel, so I can make delicious daiquiris when they do come over for Drunkover ‘08 (because my first words to them - after "you big liars" - were, "Are you still sleeping over?"). And there was jewelry and gift cards and OMG, I can’t wait to go to Barnes and Noble. And there was Depends and prune juice and reading glasses and support hose and more Depends and Geritol and Beano and giant pants and a cane. And it was awesome.

A bunch of people came up so I could show off my new room and Scabs stayed over and we drank lots of mojitos.


And Monday, I turned 40 and did nothing.