10 Horrible Secret Confessions

OK, because Swistle pointed out that I didn’t post any horrible secret confessions in my 10 honest things post, I’m going to do just that right now.

1. I say that I like kids, and kids are great, and all kids are cute, but I have to admit that I find some kids unattractive. I know people whose kids’ photos I don’t even want to look at because yikes I know - I am an asshole. note: not YOUR kids. Your kids are gorgeous!

2. Speaking of kids and assholes, I think a lot of kids are assholes. And I dream about punching them in the face. Don’t get me wrong – I would never do it – I save my face-punching for crackwhores (remind me to post the crackwhore-punching story here for my newest readers).

3. More than once, I was a self-satisfied bitch of a boyfriend-stealer. Although, in the interest of full-disclosure, the first time I did it, I didn’t actually get around to the stealing. I simply reveled in the...um…doing stuff…and not even hiding it. I once gave him hickeys just to put my mark on him. In my defense, she pulled some shady shit to get him off me in the first place. The second time, I really loved him and it turned into something. In fact, he’s my “what if” guy.

4. I am terrible with finances. Terrible. Embarrassingly, horrifyingly terrible.

5. I like to rant and rave about discrimination, but I have to be honest in that I have a bit of a judgy chip on my shoulder when it comes to certain religions. I would never treat someone differently because of it (because I do hate discrimination), but I scoff regularly.

6. I once stole. That’s all I can say because it still fills me with shame.

7. And speaking of shame, many, many years ago, I drove drunk. More than once. But then I grew a fucking clue. I hate drunk drivers, and it pains me to know that people do it. I know people who do it. And even though they are people I love, it makes me sick and makes me think much less of them. If I were around to witness it, I would probably call the police on them. Maybe it makes me a hypocrite, since I was in those shoes years ago. But I was an asshole and would have deserved the same. It’s no excuse, but I was young and stupid. But knowing grown ass people – with kids no less – who don’t see the danger in it pisses me off. I used to have a friend who once told me they drove their giant asshole-kill-the-planet-mobile when they went out drinking so if they wrecked, they would be safer. She’s not my friend anymore.

8. I know someone who illegally uses a handicapped placard and I plan on stealing it.

9. I am often irrational. Every single day, I have to fight the urge to throw something. Or run down some asshole in Hazelwood crossing the street slooooooowly in the middle of traffic and giving me a “just go ahead” look. And I use my horn. A lot.

10. I am having a hard time giving a shit about Michael Jackson (which will be my next post). I’m sick of hearing about it. I think the local memorials and services are stupid. And I told my cousin she was an ass for saying she felt the “global sadness.” I feel bad about Billy Mays, though.