I think I may officially be "Team Kate"

There is an interview in the latest InTouch magazine with mid-life crisis victim and douchebag extraordinaire Jon Gosselin. Now, I have already gone on about the whole Jon/Kate thing and why I think it’s bullshit that everyone blames Kate, but now that the King Douche himself is blaming her I just have to respond to a couple of things in the interview:

Did you want to work it out?

Yes, I asked, What do I have to do to mend the relationship? What did I do wrong? I was beating myself up about it. So I read a lot of books about personalities, like The Five Love Languages. Throughout the marriage, I felt like my personality had changed a lot. In December, I went to therapy. I asked Kate to come, but she did not want to. She said, If you have a problem, go fix it.

OK – I am clearly not a relationship expert, but “What did I do wrong?” Are you fucking kidding me?? The man (allegedly) was having an affair. An affair with a near-child. While his wife was home with their eight (EIGHT, MOTHERFUCKER) kids. Even giving him the benefit of the doubt and saying he was not having an actual physical relationship with her, he was still seen out with her, all chummy, at inappropriate times and places (including on a vacation), all while his wife was home with the kids. I don’t care if she is the shrewiest shrew or the harpiest harpy, his behavior is wrong. And asking, “what did I do wrong?” is fucking ridiculous.

As for him “wanting to work it out” – fuck that noise. He made his bed, he can damned well lie in it. It’s insulting to act like a complete douchebag, cheat on your wife, basically flaunt cheating on your wife (with who you have eight (EIGHT!) innocent children, and then when you split up, claim it’s all her fault because she didn’t want to “work thing out.” Boo Hoo, Motherfucker!

What was your first relationship?

Hailey it started around May. She is the polar opposite of Kate. It’s really different. I feel good about myself and people see my good qualities. I am not being put down. If I want to go out with my friends, Hailey says, “Oh, go out.” I am not used to that. I was used to, “No, no, it’s your fault.” Sometimes I ask Hailey permission, like I used to do with Kate, and she says, “You don’t have to ask permission.” I was used to living like that, and now it’s like a breath of fresh air. You can have a balanced relationship but also spend time with your friends.

OK, first of all, I am calling deep, deep, steaming, runny BULLSHIT on the “it started in May” business. He was photographed skanking around well before that. And don’t give me that bullshit about them just being friends either. I do believe that men and women can be friends, but when a middle aged married man with eight (EIGHT!) kids and a much younger woman are spotted alone together in the wee hours while his wife is out of town, or a middle aged married man with eight (EIGHT!) kids is spotted at a college sorority party, playing drinking games with the co-eds, or a middle aged married man with eight (EIGHT!) kids is seen sunbathing with a much younger bikini-clad girl in her backyard while his wife is not in attendance – it is WELL out of the normal boundaries of platonic (or at least respectful a spouse) male/female friendship. So bullshit.

And finally – let me review my favorite part of that last answer:

If I want to go out with my friends, Hailey says, “Oh, go out.” I am not used to that. I was used to, “No, no, it’s your fault.” Sometimes I ask Hailey permission, like I used to do with Kate, and she says, “You don’t have to ask permission.” I was used to living like that, and now it’s like a breath of fresh air. You can have a balanced relationship but also spend time with your friends.

OK, parents out there – parents with only one or two or three children, much less eight (EIGHT!) – join me:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHee Hee heh ho!!!

Seriously? I’ll ask you parents out there – how often do you get to “go out with your friends?” I’m guessing not very. I don’t either, because I have these two things called CHILDREN, and they are demanding little buggers, what with all the “we want food” and “tuck me in” nonsense. So let’s imagine together what having eight (EIGHT!) kids would do to your social life. Are you seeing it? Yeah – I thought so. Poor Jon - his mean, old, harpy, shrew of a wife won’t let him go drinking with the college girls because he has to help with his eight (EIGHT!) children. What a terrible cross to bear.

So Jon - take your “breath of fresh air” and go blow it out your ass.

It's 2 AM - I can't think up a title

I had an impromptu Take Your Daughter to Work Day on Friday. For some reason, Thursday night, she decided she wanted to go to work with me the next day, and started asking to go. I am usually very good at No. I can be the terrible, horrible, no good very bad mom. The mean mom. No. No. No. I can deny my child all the really awesome things in life that the other kids are doing, like knife-throwing and dog-painting and Molotov cocktails, and not blink an eye. But somehow, when she started begging to go, looking all cute and shit, my resolve went all to hell and I gave in. I managed to hold on to mean mom status until the morning at least, but when she jumped out of bed at the crack of dawn and started looking for “something nice to wear to the office,” I was done. Since it was a short summer Friday and the office was practically empty, it was a good day to do it.

She wanted to hit Lulu’s afterward, and as lovely as that would have been, I wanted to get the hell out of the city while the getting was good, so I traded her a Lulu’s for some cheese fries and a movie. We went to see Ice Age 3, and I almost fell asleep I the beautiful stadium seating, reclining chair, air-conditioned heaven.

Then on the way home, we stopped at an ice cream place that I have been driving past every single day for eleven years on my way to and from work and discovered that they have Dole Whip! You have no idea what this means to me. Dole Whip is the treat of my Happy Place and I have never seen it outside of there. I simultaneously celebrated the discovery and lamented the thousands of delicious pineapple-y treats I have missed out on over the years. I’m in trouble. My ass is in trouble.

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The boy is home from scout camp and was very proud to show off his trophy from the biggest fish competition. Out of 400+ people, he had the biggest catch of the week – a big fat, 18 ¾ inch large mouth bass. He broke the (troop for sure – maybe camp) record and also had the 2^nd and 3^rd largest. He was magic this week, apparently. I was so happy for him. He also earned 3 more merit badges, had a great time, and despite being certified to use both fire and a knife, came home with all the appendages he left with. Even better, all my towels came home this year. WIN!

I’ll just let you go ahead and imagine how many times he showered in the six days he was there, though.

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I spent about a week trying to get the Dayman song from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia out of my head. Do you watch this show? It’s seriously one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Of course, I like trashy, stupid, raunchy un-PC comedy, so it’s right up my alley. So at first I was singing Nightman, but it’s not that catchy, and Dayman is. Plus the Dayman is the master of karate and friendship for everyone, so what’s better than that, right? But after 6 days of singing it, I was driving myself crazy because no matter what else I listened to or sang, I could not get it out of my head. Until this morning, when something else made it’s way in and sent the Dayman packing. Good, right? Yeah – not so much:

You’re welcome.

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Finally, right before she went to bed tonight, the girl was listening to her dad practice guitar with his new Neil Young song book. And she came out with her guitar to sing me “her new song”