"Stand Up Like a Man!"

Mother’s Day is coming up and in case you’re fretting about what to get mom, I found the answer. Are you ready? OK, then. This year for Mother’s Day, forget the boring flowers and stupid photo frames. Instead, get mom and grandma the ability to pee standing up. That’s right, folks – the P-Mate is in the house!

Now we women – once a fair, clean and considerate gender – can now defile public buildings, parks and alleys with our urine. Just like men!!! Because if there’s anything I had ever hoped for in this life, it was to be more like a man. Next, I’ll be spitting on sidewalks and leaving my underwear on the bathroom floor. I CAN'T WAIT!!!



And speaking of men, here’s what getting ready is like in my house:

Say we have an event to go to – a scout banquet for instance. About four hours before we have to leave (and after getting home from hours of preparation at the hall), I have clothes picked out for myself and the kids.

Next - make sure everyone is fed and ready to start getting themselves prepared.

Clean the tub and get the girl’s bath ready.

Ten minutes later - drain the tub and refill it, since mr b was asked to check the water and somehow he failed to notice that the hose came loose and water was spraying into the un-caulked edge (the one from 9 years ago that is still waiting for attention) and knocking wall-insides debris into the water.

Get the girl bathed and get her set up on the couch, all cozy, and then go rinse out the tub.

Next up – get the boy’s shower going. Coerce the boy into getting his shower. Now. Now. NowNowNOW!

Back to the girl – get her hair combed and dried.

Oh look - a patch I forgot to sew on the boy’s short.

Find needle and matching thread. There’s got to be some matching thread. Does this match? Close enough.

Look at clock. AAAGH – we only have two hours left.

Hear mr b say we have plenty of time.

Laugh knowingly (and bitterly).

Get sewing, hoping that four stitches will holds the patch through the banquet.

The boy’s out of the shower – comb your hair. Comb your hair. COMB! YOUR! HAIR!

Next up – ironing!

Did you both brush your teeth? With toothpaste?

Who left this mess in the bathroom?

Ironing…ironing…ironing…

Alright – time for my shower. Whoever left these clothes in the bathroom better come get them right now and put them where they belong!

Jump in and out of shower.

Look at clock.

Commence panicking.

Slap on makeup.

Barely fix hair.

Get the kids dressed.

Fight with the girl about which shoes to wear.

Fight with the boy about tucking in his shirt.

Oh My God, DID YOU NOT comb your hair when I asked you to????

You clearly DID NOT!

Try to fix the boy’s hair.

Gather purses, bags, cameras, banners, cards and gifts.

Sigh in relief – everyone’s ready.

Except…

30 minutes before it’s time to go, mr b waltzes into the bathroom and finally starts getting ready.

10 minutes before it’s time to go, he’s looking for something to wear.

5 minutes before it’s time to go, he’s changing his clothes. Again.

Time to go. Mr b is now fretting about his hair.

2 minutes late. He’s asking about his clothes again.

4 minutes late – checking the hair one more time.

Finally 10 minutes after we were supposed to leave, he’s ready.

On the way, he turns to look at me, sitting stone-faced in my seat, running late, exhausted form getting three people ready to go, with 2 feet of stuff piled on my lap and says, “What’s wrong with you?”