Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Letters

Dear jogger,
Contrary to what you clearly believe, briefly interrupting your run in order to comply with basic safety laws will not, in fact, result in your immediate death. Not doing so, however, just might
Love Gina

Dear pedestrians,
While I realize that auto traffic must yield to pedestrians, I feel the need t point out that this law refers to pedestrians already in the crosswalk. This does not mean that it’s a particularly wise idea to fail to look both ways and step into the street, assuming that this law will protect you from speeding traffic like some sort of super shield. Because if you step directly out in front of me and I kill you – sure – I’ll feel bad. Really bad. But you’ll be dead nonetheless. If you see that jogger – let her know.
Love Gina

Dear flag-shirt-wearing jackass driver,
If you put as much though into things like traffic laws and stop signs as you clearly did to the application of those 16 “W” stickers, perhaps you’ll increase your life expectancy. Because if you continue to drive like that, you’ll either die in a fiery crash or some bitch with PMS and a liberal streak will beat you to death.
Love, Gina

Dear parker,
It’s a pull-in space! And you’re driving a Chevette. Are you seriously having that much of a problem?
Love Gina

Dear Boy,
You are waaaaay too young to be turning into your father. Please pick your underwear up off the bathroom floor. If you take up snoring, you’re outta here.
Love Mom

Dear Girl,
If you are going to get out of bed and wander the house in the wee hours of the morning, you really need to let someone know. Because I had a heart attack, died, came back to life and spontaneously combusted this morning when I found you missing from your bed. I’m too old for that.
Love, Mom

Dear mr b,
Just because you don’t hear it, smell it or see it, does not mean that it does not exist. Recall, if you will, that you are deaf, blind and have a seriously fucked up sense of smell. And the next time you resort to the age-old, good old boy, misogynistic, bullshit explanation that “[I;m] crazy”, I will be forced to kill you.
Love, Gina
PS. Smoking is ugly.

Dear Bass Thumper,
The volume and tone of the bass is clearly inversely proportional to intelligence. Since my skeletal system is vibrating, you must be a serious mental midget. If you weren’t so obviously disturbed, I might beat your woofers with a club. You know, if I had money for lawyers and damages. And a club.
Love, Gina

Dear Spider,
Get out!
I hate you,
Gina

Dear Dog,
You have very few jobs in this house. And while, admittedly, you are doing a fine job of “Barking Your Fool Head Off”, you are failing miserably at “Spiders.” Shape up.
Love, Gina

Dear Cat,
See Dog. Also – spring weather is not a license to jackassery. The “Let Me In…Psych!” game is getting old. I’ll let it slide if you get cracking on those spiders!
Love, Mom

Dear Polling place worker,
Seriously? You are seriously that stupid?? Ok, then.
Love, Gina

Dear Litterer,
You are an asshole. But on Earth Day? Super Mega Giant Asshole of Assholery.
Love, Gina

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8 comments:

NB-C said...

LMAO! I can't tell you how many times, while in the throws of hormonal rage, that I've wanted to stop next to some asshat in a car covered in W stickers and ask them if they are proud of themselves. Then, I've wanted to drag their ass out of the vehicle and give them a beat down.

I think I might need prozac...but I beleive a new president will do.

Karly said...

LOL! I especially liked the Chevette one, but only because my first car was a Chevette. His name was Dick. I loved that car.

We should start a petition that all blogging should be done in letter form from now on.

meno said...

Dear Gina,

This is a seriously funny format. You owe me a new keyboard because this one has nose tea all over it.

love,

-meno

GB said...

My oh my! I love your letters. They are the best! Thank you for making me laugh out loud.

The Notorious N.A.T. said...

Hilarious! I'd like to write a letter to my dog asking her to stop being such a total freak everytime we exit the house. I'd like to club her to death with the arm she rips off my body each time she pulls me down the street. Asshat.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

Amen, amen, and amen. You are oh so wise.

And girl? Wandering in the middle of the night? That would have caused me to die on the spot.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

I suck and forgot to link to you in my Burgh bloggers paragraph. My sincere apologies. I fixed it and I'm very glad you made the jump over despite my case of the stupids.

red pen mama said...

hahahahaha!

whew.

thank you.

rpm