Monday, June 23, 2008

Loudmouth Trashy Redneck Cousin

I had a full weekend planned and came thisclose to not making it to the zoo on Saturday and I am SO GLAD that I decided to go. Because it was an all around awesome day. The kids burned off some steam, the weather was beautiful (contrary to what you might think listening to me bitch about it - bitching is just what I do), the company was awesome, the dippin dots were yummy, and the kids were good. Yo – did you get that last one? The kids? Were good! That’s not something I get to say too often. Usually, it’s the kids drove me crazy, or those kids are killing me, or OMG, if they don’t quit fighting I’m leaving them at the zoo. But Miss Alexis seemed to have some sort of effect on them and they were great.

The boy was mr helpful all day – helping Burgh Baby's Mom (BBM from here on out, since I am lazy) with her stroller, holding doors, watching over the little ones without even being asked to. I almost forgot that he torments his sister into a meltdown at least once a day. I only had to remind him of our “don’t poke the bear” motto one time all day. And the girl – no screaming, very little whining and a minimum of bossing. Although BBM made it sound like she was very polite about it, I’m not so sure that was the case. Because I have met her. And I know for a fact that she is less “Polite, Helpful, Big Girl” and more “She Who Must Be Obeyed”. But regardless, she was good. Both of my kids adored Alexis, even in the beginning when she refused to acknowledge their (or my) existence. The girl was talking about her all weekend (calling her “my new friend Alexis”) and the boy was telling everyone how cute she was.

Alexis was very shy when we met up for fries and drinks, came around a little for the monkeys, acknowledged us by the time we made it to the bears. By the time we hit the ice cream and the first part of kids kingdom, there was a new friendship budding (which was almost derailed by the “helpfulness” of my no-line cutting child, but we got past it). All was well until the incident. The deer incident.

See, we were in the kids area – you know – the place for kids?? The one place in the zoo where the little ones can have a chance to get up close with the animals and get their turn to see things without having to be lifted up to see over the heads of all the tall people. And we get into the deer enclosure, where you can pet and get photos with the deer as long as they come to you on the path. Usually, there are a couple, but on Saturday, there was just one, so a nice, orderly line had formed so all the kids could get a chance to have their turn. And just when the folks in front of us had moved on and our three were about to have their turn, three skank ass ho bitches went around us from both sides, screeching about getting a picture and oh he’s so cute and squawk squawk squawk.

For about a half second, I was speechless. But after that half second? Not so much. I said – loud enough for the skanks and their hag mother to hear – “OK, so maybe we can wait in line?”, and they ignored me. The people behind us were shocked as well, so we carried on (OK, mostly it was me talking and them agreeing) a conversation about how it’s amazing how rude people are and how they would cut in front of little kids and who raised these people and wow, I’m amazed at the ignorance of some people, etc. Meanwhile, the skank ass ho bitches and their hag mother were happily squawking and ignoring us and taking eleventeen photos with everyone’s cameras and cell phones and oh, take another, my hair looked bad, and let me stick my boobs out, and does my butt look cute, and OH MY GOD GIVE ME PATIENCE BEFORE I PUNCH SOMEONE IN THE GODDAMNED ZOO!!!

And as if the line-cutting wasn’t rude enough, they would not go away. They just kept squawking and snapping and hair-flipping and eventually, I told the kids we were going to move on because some people are rude and we need to get away from them. But the best part? The very best most awesome part? Was that the skank ass ho bitches and their hag mother had the nerve to complain because other kids were coming up to the deer and ruining their photos. I had already moved away when that part happened, but if I had been closer, I would have put my fat ass in every one of their photos and then laughed and laughed.

Anyway, we moved on and got over it (for a while). We headed to the enclosed playground area so we could sit in the shade while the kids played. Even with the age difference, you can see the similarities between the girl and Alexis – they are both Alpha Chicks. You never know how it is going to go when there are two of them together, but by this time, the girls were fast friends, running around holding hands and having fun. I was sitting at a table keeping an eye on them and BBM and the boy headed to the concession stand for drinks. They were playing on the ropes and the slide, and then they headed over to the animal statues. I was watching them happily climb aboard an elephant when I turned to look at the boy for a split second and when I turned back the girls were no longer on the elephant. But guess who was? Oh yes – the skank ass ho bitches!! They actually came over and crowded on to the thing, effectively scaring out girls away. All while their hag mother took photos!!!

Our girls were unfazed (normally, I would be happy about that, but this time I think I was sort of hoping for a “She Who Must Be Obeyed” sized meltdown, perhaps even with some hitting and/or kicking. At the least some name calling. Because those skanks deserved to be called out by a four year old). They moved on to the climbing tubes, where a few minutes later, the skanks decided to taker their big asses, shoving past many a toddler along the way, yelling to their hag mom to take photos and screaming at each other that they had to pee. It took every last bit of patience and self control I had to not lose my shit in the damned Kids Kingdom. But I managed, since it’s a kids place and I didn’t want to be as bad as the skank ass ho bitches. And also because I really like BBM and since I am already like her loudmouth trashy redneck cousin, I didn’t want to scare her into never wanting to see me again (I probably have that effect on people more than I know).

Second best part? When the hag mother and her hag friend walked by us and said, “that one right there.” Funny because 1) OMG the irony, and 2) they were referring to BBM who hadn’t said a word to them about their deplorable behavior and not me, the actual loudmouth trashy redneck cousin who had plenty to say. I think they looked at her and at me and decided I was the one more likely to inflict pain if I sat on them, so they diverted their hate thusly.

We actually had a good laugh about it, as I snapped more photos, since at that point what can you do. After the kids got done playing, we headed out to the last of the zoo – hitting the reptiles and mole rats and goats. The girls went on the two kiddie rides – the safari jeeps and the log ride and I swear, the funniest thing I saw all day was Alexis getting in the log and sitting backwards. And the teenager running the thing leaving her that way. And then the girl getting in and sitting backwards as well. And the teenager leaving her that way. And then they rode the ride backwards. It was not one of those My Kid Is A Genius moments, but then I told myself that Einstein probably rode the flume ride backwards too.

Finally, we headed out, walking through the mister, where my kids mistook “misted” for “soaked” and stood under it until their clothes and hair couldn’t absorb any more water. Alexis was definitely the smart one in this scenario – she ran into the mist, looked at my sopping kids like, “crazy” and ran back out. After a reasonably painless trip to the gift shop, we headed out. All I all it was a great day.

Oh – for those of you who have seen her photo of me – I know I look like I was going to punch someone, but I wasn’t (even though I wanted to). And I am pointing this out not because I don’t want you to think that I would punch someone (you know me), but because I don’t want you to think that I would punch someone with that sissy looking fist. I’m so classy.


Some photos:
Lions

Meerkat & Boy

Elephants (the boy would like me to point the elephant butt)


Polar Bear

Beware the Mist
Skank Ass Ho Bitches who push tiny children out of their way
Hag Mother who raised Skank Ass Ho Bitches who push tiny children out of their way

Inside a bear cage - I should buy one of these for home
Kangaroos (the boy would like me to point out the kangaroo butts)



Here is where the girl and Alexis differ - if there is a camera within 10 feet of my child, she knows it and poses. Alexis, not so much. She doesn't know I am taking a photo yet:



But then she notices me and goes into lalala, I'm not looking, lalalal mode:


Gratuitous Beaver Shot!!


A weird sucking fish

The boy would like me to point out that it was pooping (are you seeing a theme here?)

Genius!



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8 comments:

Leanne said...

Great story. Great Pics.

My boy will be eleven in October, and he would LOVE the pics of fish pooping and kangaroo butts.

Thank you for letting me know he's normal. :)

shipjumper said...

Well I'll be 39 next month and I love the kangaroo and elephant butts! I have to say, that last picture of the girls is awesome. You could put so many captions to that picture! Sounds like a fun time, and you're better than me with skanky ho mom. I wouldn't have said anything to the kids 'cuz look who raised them, but I would have DEFINITELY had a few words with her!

Karen said...

Boys love butts. End of story. At least he wasn't asking you to photograph the skanky girls butts.

And kudos for not hitting them. I think I would have said something in the deer pen though. Directly to them.

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

That looks like an amazing day. How great! Sorry about rude people. I love that you took pictures of them! lol

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

I heard Her Majesty doling out instructional advice; she really was very polite about it. Seriously!

That last photo makes me all melty and stuff.

Elisa said...

I love that you posted photos of them, so we can all gang-up on them upon recognition, LOL

That sounds like a fun day! I wish I would have been there, so there weould have been 2 fat asses available to ruin their pics ;-)

Allison Says said...

Oh my god. Amazing. I am SO SO SO sorry I missed out the stupid teenagers, your beautiful (well behaved) children and the awesomeness of the day.

Love the picture. LOVE that you took a picture of the obnoxious people.

meno said...

The Skank Ho and the Hag pictures had me in stitches. Awesome.