I Can't Wait!

The whole month of September, Burgh Baby’s Mom has been generously donating all her ad revenue to the Flight 93 Memorial Fund. She decided to end the month on a (really) high note by having an awesome contest. Go check it out. Since ad revenue is determined by page views, all that she is asking in return is that you click around and help raise some money for a good cause. It’s the last day, so warm up your clicking finger and go crazy. Maybe you’ll win a cool prize in the meantime.

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So, it’s four day until we leave for vacation and in typical pre-vacation fashion, I am freaking! out! I have a million things to do and no time to do them. Work has been crazy lately and between scouts, swimming lessons, drum lessons, karate and gymnastics I can’t quite seem to muster up enough energy in my “free time” to start packing. I have managed to go shopping for essentials like sunscreen and toothpaste, though. But strangely, I have a new shower curtain, rug, bathroom accessories, some cute shorts, a candle, clothes for the kids, clothes for mr b, four chocolate covered marshmallows (OK, I had those), a princess costume, beer, a picture frame, and 600 read pages of Brisingr. But no sunscreen or toothpaste. Vacation Planning: FAIL.

Although I did get a new lip balm and since it has SPF, I’m counting it as a huge vacation planning success.

I have a feeling I am going to be up to the wee hours these next few days getting ready. I have something going on every evening through Thursday, so the only time I will have to pack will be around eleven or so. OK – I could actually do it between 8:00 and 11:00, which would be more reasonable, but the new falls shows are on and I’m not insane. Well, yes I am. I’m insane and addicted to TV. And I’m not ashamed to admit it. Well, maybe a little ashamed. But we’re all friends here, right? RIGHT??

Of course when I am at work and can’t possibly do anything vacation-related, I can’t concentrate because my head is too full of anticipation and All! Disney! All! The Time!! I get all OCD-girl and start running through the lists of things I still have to do and then I get all stressed out and I’m like Work? What work? And then I drift off to daydreams of monorails and Mickey bars.

Friday, I will be going to bed at approximately 7:00, since I have to wake up at 2:30 am to get ready. Because my only options for a direct flight was either Dawn: Buttcrack of or sometime in the late afternoon which would be a huge waste of the day. And forget connecting flights. They’re a waste of precious Disney time and a terrifying spin on the roulette wheel of Will The Preschooler Lose Her Mind On The Plane. So no. Dark Thirty it is.

Runaround Sue

I met Tammy in 1st grade and we hit it off immediately. We lived in a small neighborhood with it’s own elementary school and everyone walked. Some days I would walk home for lunch and Tammy would go with me. Other times, she’d come over after school to play. We were inseparable back then – if you saw one of us, the other was sure to be nearby. We giggled and talked and sent notes to boys – the “Do you like me? Check yes/no/maybe” variety. Sometimes we had to sit on opposites sides of the room so we couldn’t chatter away during class, but it never really stopped us. We learned the sign language alphabet and kept on talking, albeit silently.

We both loved to read, even at such an early age, and we could often be found in the school library, both of us engrossed in books, not talking to each other (it was the only time we were silent), but even then, a bond was evident.

The first time I ever got in trouble in school, Tammy was there. It was in first grade and we were outside at recess, standing by one of the big gray metal doors and talking about books or boys or sleepover parties. We noticed that some kids had carved their names in the paint of the door, and we thought it would be a great idea to do the same. We found a pop-top nearby (remember those?) and got started. Of course, carving our names wasn’t enough. We wanted to really make a statement. That statement? “Gina and Tammy love Donny Osmond.” We got as far as Gina and Tammy love Donny before the principal, Mrs. Carson caught us. We had to go to her office and get a lecture about damaging property, but nothing worse – we were still young enough not to know better. When she caught us, though, a boy named Donny was standing nearby and she naturally assumed that he was involved. I can remember sitting in her office, Tammy and I as cool as cucumbers and Donny crying hysterically. For some reason, he was wearing a big sombrero edged in little red pom-poms and I can remember Tammy and I looking at each other and trying not to laugh as those pom-poms shook while he cried.

We were two peas in a pod, and looking back, I am sometimes surprised that I wasn’t jealous of Tammy. She was the one that all the boys wanted and all the girls wanted to be. She was tiny and blond and cute. We used to play Wizard of Oz at recess and Tammy always got to be Dorothy. She was always picked first for things. She was loved. But I never felt like second fiddle with Tammy – we were too close for that.

As we got older, Tammy kept her title of The Cute One. She was a princess without the attitude. She was the first to get boobs, the first to get her period, the first to have a boyfriend. She educated the rest of us in all things womanly. While she often had the boys attention, she never wanted it all for herself. She was always making matches, diverting some boy’s attention from her to one of her friends. She truly wanted everyone to be happy.

She was there for most of the milestones of my life. She fixed me up with my first boyfriend. She gave me advice on my first kiss. She covered for me when I needed her to. As we got older, we stayed close and our interests stayed the same. We still loved to read and constantly traded books. We wrote bad poetry and cried on each other’s shoulder. On my 13th birthday, she bought me my fist diary and I still remember how much I loved it. It wasn’t anything I ever thought I wanted, but it was one of the best gifts I ever got. She knew me.

In high school we drifted a bit. We stayed friends, but not best friends. We started hanging out with slightly different crowds. She was a cheerleader. I was a majorette. Her new best friend was a Mean Girl type and sometimes Tammy got caught up in that. But mainly, we stayed pretty close.

We had times when things got between us. The biggest was that she was Eric’s prom date. She was one of the girls that believed the worst of me. Actually, she never really accused me of anything, like some others did, but she never defended me either. Or even asked my side. It took me a whole to forgive that, but forgive her I did. I started to realize that even thought Tammy seemed to be the It Girl, she was just as insecure and wounded as the rest of us, if not more. As we got older, I realized that her life was different than mine in ways you don’t see when you are a child.

The other big thing that came between us was a boy. I started dating Bill during our senior year. Bill and Tammy were very good friends. It didn’t’ bother me, though – one of my own best friends, Milo, was a boy. What did bother me was that Tammy seemed territorial about Bill. And she seemed to want to rub their friendship in my face. Her locker was exactly opposite of mine – they were back to back. I couldn’t see her, but I could hear her. And she knew it. So she was always saying, “Biiiiilllll this” and “Biiiiillll that.” Her mother did some sewing and she fixed Bill’s jacket. And Tammy waited until Bill was scheduled to be out of school for a wrestling match and she wore it! Bill was actually pretty mad at her for that. Not that she wore it, but what she was implying. He always made it clear to me that they were just friends, and I believed him. I had no reason not to – if we weren’t in school, or at sporting events, or sleeping, we were together. There was no opportunity. And also – I truly trusted him, and he trusted me. It was then that I started feeling a little sorry for Tammy. I knew that her insecurities were driving her behavior, but it still hurt that someone I was once so close to was trying to hurt me. Of course, we still hadn’t totally recovered from the Eric thing, so I’m sure that didn’t help either.

It was a while before we really got past it. We were still nice to each other, we talked and laughed and danced and partied, but it wasn’t the same until the following year. I was home from college and so was Milo, so I went to his house for the evening. It turned into an impromptu party and Tammy showed up. After we had a few beers and got to talking, we realized how stupid it was to throw away a friendship like ours and we made up for real. I didn’t see her much, since I was away, but when I came home, we usually ended up together at some point.

After I left partyschool and moved home for a semester, I saw Tammy regularly. She and my friends Tee and Amos and I used to go out every weekend. Even after I moved to the city, I used to come home often and we’d all hit the clubs. It was around this time that something about Tammy started to change. She wasn’t the happy-go-lucky girl we always knew. She became very quiet, and seemed depressed. She didn’t smile much and she sighed a lot. She lost the sparkle in her eye. She always seemed distracted. Her movements became slow.

We all wondered what was going on and worried about her constantly. We didn’t know if there was something secret going on in her life that made her so depressed. When we asked, she claimed everything was normal and she was fine.

After a while, her parents took her to a psychiatrist and she ended up on anti-depressants. We kept waiting for them to kick in, but they never did. We kept worrying and she kept insisting she was fine. But she wasn’t fine. She was very much not fine. It turned out that Tammy had a brain tumor and that was the reason for her behavior change.

It was unfathomable to us. Sure – people get cancer, people get brain tumors, but not the people you know. Not the people you love. Not beautiful, sparkling, happy girls in their early twenties. Not Tammy.

We couldn’t believe it and we didn’t know how to deal with it. We didn’t know what to do or what to say. At first, I think we all acted like nothing was wrong, but it was Tammy who changed that. She knew that we could not continue normally because things weren’t normal. She introduced us to the big, nasty, son-of-a-bitch of an elephant in the room and only then were we able to be as normal as we were going to get.

We still got together and went out to eat and went dancing – Tammy always liked oldies and we’d be the youngest ones in the room. But in between, there were surgeries and radiation and chemotherapy. We laughed about our lives and jobs and stupid guys. And Tammy helped us laugh at cancer and wigs and turbans. When I went to visit her in the hospital after an only somewhat successful surgery, it was Tammy who made me feel better and not vice versa. But once she got me past the initial shock of what I was seeing, and once she made me realize that it was OK to feel like I did and OK that I could do nothing, she helped me realize that I could help – by telling her stories and dirty jokes and making fun of the nurses and making vaguely pornographic balloon animals from latex gloves.

It was shortly after that surgery that it became clear that there was little else to be done for Tammy. Part of the tumor was inoperable and no amount of chemo or radiation would help it. There were some fundraisers to help pay for some new experimental and herbal type treatments, but it was around this time that Tammy started talking about dying. No one knew what to say or how to react, but we all realized that she was dealing with things the best she could. In the beginning, we all played the “think positive, you’ll get better” game, but eventually we just listened to her and watched her get more fragile and then called each other afterwards and cried.

Tammy’s last birthday was September 23rd, 1991. She was twenty-three.

There was a big birthday party that year – a rented hall, food, cake, gifts and a DJ. So many people came and Tammy was thrilled. The atmosphere was a happy one, but it was almost a desperate happiness. We all knew deep down that we were celebrating more than just her birthday that night – we were celebrating her life. We were happy and sad and confused and angry. But mostly we were happy because Tammy was happy. The DJ played lots of oldies for Tammy and we danced the night away. The very last dance I shared with Tammy was to the song Runaround Sue. To this day when I hear that song, my heart breaks a little. But every September 23rd, I listen to it nonetheless, to remember that night, all of us spinning each other around the dance floor, everyone laughing while, for the couple of minutes while that song played, we forgot what was coming.

It came not long after that night. It came too soon. Years and years too soon. And even though we were prepared for it, we weren’t ready. You’re never ready.

Happy 40th Birthday, Tammy. I hope you’re dancing…

Friday 5: Animals

First off, I just want to say thanks to you guys for helping me out with the diabetes walkathon. Your generosity means a lot to me. I want to give you a big fat kiss – with tongue! Or, you know, if you’re not into that – a nice, firm handshake and a pat on the back. Regardless, the walk is tomorrow, and between your donations and a couple cash donations that I have, I am almost to my goal. I’m hoping I get there, but if not – it’s still a big boost for a very deserving cause so thanks – you guys are awesome.


Friday 5: Animals

1. What’s the cutest of the small, furry animals?

Puppies. No, kittens. No, chinchillas!


2. What predator impresses you the most?

Raptors of any kind - hawks, eagles, falcons, whatever. They are too cool. I want to be like them – flying around, all free and beautiful and then when I get hungry, just swoop down and snatch up a rabbit or something. Only instead of a rabbit, I’d snatch up a corn dog and a funnel cake.


3. After which animal will you name your professional sports team?

The Sloths. We won’t be particularly competitive or tough, but damn, will we be well rested.


4. What’s an unusual animal that you know a little something about?

The duckbilled platypus. In grade school, we had to do a report on an animal and that was the one I picked. Because hello? Duckbilled Platypus!


5. Your high school probably had some kind of mascot or symbol, but based on your
memories of it, what animal should REALLY have been the emblem?

Hmm. . .I mostly liked school, so I don’t know. There were a lot of dickheads though, so maybe the Cocks. Or the Boozehounds. Is that an animal? Because we drank a lot. Or maybe…let’s see…what animal does a lot of fucking?

This Makes Me Very Uncomfortable

I have never done this before and I am just putting it out there - no pressure.

On September 20th, I am walking in the Juvenile Diabetes walk. Almost exactly a year ago, my little cousin Ava - then only 5 years old - got very, very sick. For a short time, no one knew what was wrong with her until they tested her for diabetes and then suddenly her life changed dramatically.

I could give you facts and figures about juvenile diabetes, but a google search will get those for you easily. What I would like for you to know is what this disease does to a child and their family.

Since Ava's diagnosis, she has endured hundreds of insulin shots and thousands of finger pricks. My hope is that someday no child will have to endure either. My friend Hedge can attest personally to the kind of havoc juvenile diabetes wreaks on a child and their family. Her son, Squidward, was diagnosed at just two years old - a baby who had no idea what was happening to him. He was lifeflighted and hospitalized and almost died. To date, he has endured more than 15,000 shots and finger pricks.

The parents of kids with diabetes worry constantly. They worry about the damage being done to their kids' organs. They worry about what their child is eating when they are not in their sight. they worry about dialysis and transplants and life expectancy. They don't sleep, because they have to wake up - often multiple times a night - to check their kids' blood sugar levels.

The kids don't sleep well, either - imagine having to have your finger pricked or get a shot in the middle of the night. They have parties in school and can't eat the cookies or candy or birthday cake. They can't have sleepovers with their friends because their parent isn't there to check them in the middle of the night. On Halloween they go trick or treating but aren't allowed to have any of the candy they get. Or they don't go at all. They need special medicines, because most of the ones out there have sugar in them. They miss school and parties and sporting events and field trips because of illness and doctor's appointments.

Juvenile diabetes is a debilitating and sometimes deadly disease that affects 3,000,000 people in the US, with 15,000 more children being diagnosed each year. Right now, there is no cure, but we are hoping to change that. So if you feel so inclined, please check out my walk page and donate:



Click here to go to my page


But seriously - please don't feel pressured or feel bad if you can't donate. I mean what I say in the title - asking for stuff makes me very uncomfortable. Even as a child, I would no sooner ask for a piece of gum than I would ask for somebody's firstborn. And I never participate in this kind of thing, simply because I hate to ask for donations.

But when I heard about "Ava's Team", I thought about that sweet, smart, beautiful little girl. And I thought about Squidward and I thought about the millions of other kids who are affected by it. And I figured that this time, I would deal with a moment's discomfort and put it out there. Because that slight discomfort can't compare to what these kids deal with every single day.

WTF, Dog??

So the impromptu I-didn’t-know-I-was-having-it party on Saturday was a lot of fun. Only a few of the invitees were able to come and I ended up extending the invitation to a few of my family members and friends, and our neighbors dropped by (no – not crazy the asshole neighbors), and it turned out to be a great time. There was drinking and game-playing and karaoke singing and crazy blond wig wearing and terrible, untalented move-bustin. And good food.

And other than the fact that the dog seems to hate my cousin’s husband, John, for no reason – a good time was had my all. Except by the dog. Because he hates wearing crazy blond wigs almost as much as he hates John. (which, seriously – wtf, Dog? Wigs are fun. And so is John. He’s loved far and wide by dogs and kids alike. And the dog used to love my cousin, but he’s not too wild about her either, now that she’s carrying his spawn. So clearly she has to divorce him now, which is too bad because he’s a nice guy. WTF, Dog??) We had a ton of alcohol left over from my birthday party, so it was a good way to get rid of it. Except that everyone brought something to drink and we somehow have more booze than when we started. Isn’t that just awful? I think I’ll go console myself with a glass of my choice of seven different wines. Or a beer. Or a mojito. Or a daiquiri. Or a rum and coke.

Oh – also – for my birthday, Hedge and Rapunzel gave me a blender, since I was lamenting not having one (I have broken two in the past 6 years by making frozen drinks. And not smoothies – big surprise). So anyway, I inaugurated it Saturday night and was feeling all warm and fuzzy about my friends being so awesome and giving me a gift that clearly shows their love and affection for me (because nothing say love like a delicious frozen alcoholic drink). Until I realized that they were trying to kill me. Yes – my dear friends clearly rigged the blender so it would malfunction and cause my death.

You see, I made a batch of daiquiris – non-alcoholic for my pregnant cousin and the kids. And since they didn’t have any extra liquid (rum) in them and I was too drunk stupid to replace the rum with another liquid - like water – they were very thick. I had to spoon them out rather than pour them. I got drinks my cousin and non-drinking SIL (not my BFF SIL, Weenie – by midnight, she was half passed out on the dog pillow – you guess if she’s a teetotaler) and was trying to spoon the last of it out for the kids when the bottom of the pitcher (with the blades) fell off and landed on my foot. At first, I didn’t realize the magnitude of my injury because it just hurts when something lands on your foot. But then, a split second later, I looked down to see my entire foot covered in blood and a growing puddle of it on the floor. My first thought was, “Holy shit, I cut my foot.” My second thought was “Goddammit, I just cleaned this floor!”

Then, I spotted something on the floor. It was pale pink and toe-shaped and covered in blood. And my next thought was “Oh my God, I cut off my toe!” I sat down to inspect it before I got anyone upset about my toe-ectomy and discovered I hadn’t in fact cut off my toe – it was just a toe-shaped drop of extra-thick daiquiri, which was definitely good news. But the bad news is that my toe was still bleeding like crazy. Everyone was running around like crazy with towels and bandages and Neosporin (except for my faints at the sight of blood friend who expressed her concern from the relative safety of the family room). My non-passed-out-on-the-dog-pillow SIL was insisting that I needed to go to the ER, and all I could think about at this point was that if I had to go to the ER, it would ruin this party.

We eventually got it to stop bleeding, after approxmately 10 paper towels, lots of pressure, 16 feet of gauze, 8 pounds of cotton, and 8 Dora band-aids. Needless to say, I didn’t go to the hospital. Which isn’t as stupid as it sounds. Because even though the current version of the story involves almost bleeding to death, an explosion, a desperate dive to safety, snakes, giant, whirring blades that narrowly missed my carotid artery, and – depending on how hungover I am when I’m telling it – insane ninjas, it really wasn’t that bad. Except for the profuse bleeding. And the ninjas.

I Love You Guys!

I really do love you guys, but I'm actually referring to the drunken version of "I love you guys."

You know - the kind where your husband has a surprise party for you for your 40th birthday and you are so excited and touched that everyone came.

And then you drink, and you get all, "OMG, I am so lucky to have these people, they are awesome!"

And then you drink some more and you're like, "You guys rock! I wish you were here EVERY DAY!!"

And then you have another mojito and start with the "I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!"

And then you have yet another mojito and get all, "This is so much fun. We need to do this more often. How about next Saturday? Everyone can come and we'll have a big girl's night party and you'll all stay over and IT'LL BE AWESOME!!!!!"

And then you have a couple more drinks and then you pass out go to sleep and then you don't think about it again.

And then five days later your sister-in-law calls you and asks if you are still on for tomorrow and you're happy because you were planning on SIL and N(iece)IL coming down for a the night and you say, "Yeah - I was hoping you were still coming!" And then she says, "ALL of us?" And then you start hearing the Psycho shower scene music in your head, because you have no idea who "all of us" entails and have no recollection of inviting anyone except Weenie and Scabs. But you know you get all "I Love You Guys" when you drink and OMG he has a huge family and even with just the girls there are six sisters and countless nieces and niece-in-laws and great nieces and Oh! My! God!

But then you remember that you finally have some room for people in the house and you have been waiting for years for just that so you could entertain, and there is HELLA leftover beer and wine and rum, and they will all bring food, because they don't know how to go anywhere without gobs of food, and so what if you have to clean the house and all its crevices tonight and tomorrow (and again on Sunday) and know you will have a great time because YOU LOVE THOSE GUYS!!

Friday Five: Orange

1. What’s your favorite orange-colored food?

Dude – Cheetos.


2. What’s the best way to drink orange juice?

I don’t really drink OJ all that much – it gives me heartburn. But when I do, I like it either a) freshly squeezed and full of pulp, or b) mixed with alcohol.


3. Which candy’s orange-colored pieces taste best?

This is a hard one. I tend to not like orange-flavored candy. Oooo – I know – peach Jolly Ranchers – they are orange-colored, but not orange-flavored! Do they still make peach Jolly Ranchers? OMG – I don’t think they do and now I need some right now! Well, if that’s the case, then I’ll have to go with Jelly Bellys in cantaloupe. No - peach!


4. What are your feelings about orange soda?

I feel that orange soda is not what this country needs and that if we elect orange soda, it will be a terrible mistake and that we will be heading further down the path to destruction that we are currently on as a country. Oh wait – that’s John McCain, not orange soda. Anyway, Um…like John McCain, I don’t like orange soda.


5. When did you last wear an orange item of clothing?

Last week, I wore an orange shirt. I have quite a bit of orange in my warbrobe.

The F-Word

I had quite a holiday weekend! On Friday, I decided that it would be a great idea to go to the grand opening of a new outlet mall in my area. Go ahead - I’ll wait while you laugh at my idiocy. Clearly, I am completely egocentric, because in my head, I was off work, while everyone else was in the office, so obviously, I would have the place all to myself. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah – pretty much everyone in PA, WV and OH had the same idea. Traffic was backed up and barely moving. Once we got into the mall drive, I noticed that along with the line of cars heading in, there were also quite a few heading out. Being stupid, I thought – wow – people are leaving already? When, in fact, they were the beginning of the mile-long, continuous line of cars that were circling the place. There was no one leaving, no parking spaces, even hundreds of cars parked along the street. And only then did I realize how very, very stupid I am. Needless to say, we left and headed to another mall, so I didn’t feel like I wasted the day. And also because I was hungry.

I had plans for Hedge and Rapunzel to come over on Sunday for a big birthday sleepover, so I spent all of Friday night and Saturday cleaning and getting ready. We got moved into the new family room and got a bunch of other organizing and cleaning done. I was exhausted, but I was glad to have it done. I got a little pissed at mr b because he kept disappearing to help a friend with something, or head to Home Depot again or to pick up a prescription, or any other number of things to avoid working. Meanwhile, I was mainlining Advil for my excruciating, furniture-moving backache. And on Saturday, my mother kept calling. Every 15 minutes with nothing to say. Over and over, until I wanted to scream, “woman – I have work to do!” And then, Saturday night, mr be informed me that he wanted to take me to dinner on Sunday. Which would normally have been fine, but I had company coming and didn’t have time. But NO, he insisted that we go for an early dinner before the girls came over. I was irritated, but I didn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth.


So I spent all of Sunday morning cleaning and organizing and shopvac-ing, and scrubbing and washing and suffering and then he went to fucking Lowe’s. And I hated hikm. And then went to his friend Vince’s to help him with something, while we had 60 FRAJILLION THINGS THAT I NEEDED HELP WITH!! And then he took the kids to my mom’s so we could go to the stupid restaurant, for my stupid dinner when all I wanted was to stay home and wait for Drunkover 2008 to start. And then he comes home and pisses around while I am STARVING, because I didn’t have time to eat a single bite all day, what with his not helping me at all.


Does anyone see where this is going? Because I, being stupid, did not


So we FINALLY leave for the restaurant of death and he says, “I just have to stop at Vince’s on the way to drop off an extension cord.” And then my head exploded and I told him FUCK Vince, and FUCK dinner, because if he wants to help Vince, he can just move the fuck in with Vince and marry him and take HIM to a birthday dinner and he tried to say it was on the way when it WAS NOT, IN FACT, ON THE WAY. And then we passed Vince’s house, because apparently Vince was working at the park (that he runs) and the park was MOST DEFINITELY NOT ON THE WAY - AT ALL!!!!!!!


And yet, I still did not catch on, because I was too busy being a pissed off bitch.


So we get to the park and Vince is nowhere to be found and mr b is all “where the hell is he?” and I’m all “fucking fuckity fuckballs” and then I notice that there is something going on at the pavilion and then I notice that the something involves black balloons. And then I notice that there is a woman at the something involving black balloons who looks suspiciously like my grandma and suddenly, I was all, “Oh HELL NO!”


He got me.


It was awesome – my family and his family and my friends were there and everyone had a great time and there was lots of booze and lots of awesome food and did I mention the booze? And there was a delicious cake, baked my sister-in-law. And there were a bazillion grape leaves from my friend who doesn’t even eat them, but made them for me. And there was a brand new blender from Hedge and Rapunzel, so I can make delicious daiquiris when they do come over for Drunkover ‘08 (because my first words to them - after "you big liars" - were, "Are you still sleeping over?"). And there was jewelry and gift cards and OMG, I can’t wait to go to Barnes and Noble. And there was Depends and prune juice and reading glasses and support hose and more Depends and Geritol and Beano and giant pants and a cane. And it was awesome.

A bunch of people came up so I could show off my new room and Scabs stayed over and we drank lots of mojitos.


And Monday, I turned 40 and did nothing.

Out-Laws

It shouldn’t surprise me that since we often use our blogs to vent that there are so many mother-in-law stories out there. I love a good mother-in-law story. Sadly, I don’t have a MIL – she died before mr b and I married. And to be honest, she was the sweetest woman. She was the same age as my grandmas and was just as kind and loving, so I doubt I would have had any stories to tell about her that didn’t involve, “OMG, I love my MIL so much…”

I do, however, have six sisters-in-law. They range in age from 13 years older to almost 30 years older than me. In general, I have a great relationship with all of them, and don’t have many in-law stories to tell. But there is one that has been fodder for a few. She’s a very sweet, generous person, but she can drive you a little crazy. She needs to be the boss at all times. She wants to control who goes where and does what and eats what. She goes through life assuming. Assuming she is right, assuming that everyone feels the exact way she does. And since I have strong opinions on. . .oh. . .everything, and am not one to keep my damned mouth shut, we’ve had our moments. She’s very catholic, so needless to say that has been a source of conflict over the years – especially when we were planning the wedding. And during every mention of politics in the history of our relationship, ever. Most of the things are small and stuff you laugh at later, but at the time, you want to scream. And while we are close and I love her, those moments have been many. My favorites:

*Shortly before the wedding, she informed me that all of the sisters would be wearing white to represent their mother. Ummm…WTF? And also – no.

*After being told no to the white, she informed me that they would all be wearing dresses to match the bridesmaids color. Not that I was bridezilla or anything, but I just thought this was weird and annoying. Fortunately, so did the other sisters.

*She had (several times) invited us to come to dinner and when we got there, no one was home. Or her family was there, but she wasn’t. Surprise!

*She’s big on inviting people to other people’s events. Or not giving all the info. For instance – she invited us to one of her kids; houses around Christmas and when we showed up, they were running around like crazy, cleaning and getting ready for a party with their in-laws. Needless to say, we felt like assholes and hightailed it out of there.

*And the time she told us that her son wanted us to come over for a holiday dinner. We showed up and rang the doorbell and he opened the door and said, “Hey! Wow! Gina and mr b are here! Hey!” Clearly, he did not have a clue we were coming. This was extra evident when we walked into the dining room (all while he was still saying “wow! Hey!”), and saw that he , his wife, his parents and her parents were already seated and eating dinner at a table for six. Thanks, SIL – we don’t feel like assholes at all!


Anyway – I want you to tell me your best MIL story! Your MIL (or SIL, if that’s the case) doesn’t read my blog so you can say what you want in my comments. Come on – fess up!

In a Funk

I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately and I don’t know why. I’m not sad, exactly, or crabby, or tired or bored. It’s just a strange out-of-sorts kind of feeling and I can’t seem to shake it. I’m sure if I mentioned it to anyone who knows me they would think it was my 40th birthday approaching (one week fro today), but honestly, it isn’t. I’m not really bothered by the number, other than the feeling that I can’t possibly be 40, since I just graduated high school last month and college last week, right? Eh – maybe it is a little subconscious, nudging reminder of my mortality working on me.

Plus, my boy started middle school today and I guess that’s getting to me a little. I know middle school can be a veritable minefield and I just want things to go well for him. We had orientation on Friday and I almost died of boredom and frustration. They told us that we parents would only need to be there for 15 minutes, so I coordinated with work to be unavailable for about 30 minutes, given travel time. And then two fucking hours later when I was still at the school, I exploded into a million pieces. Or I thought about it, anyway. It wouldn’t have been so bad if there had been actual, useful information provided to us, but instead it was two hours of droning on and on about every stupid thing and having every single teacher introduce themselves. Including the ones that they won’t even be having contact with this year. I don’t care who teaches 8th grade math when my kid won’t be there for two years, jackasses.

Of course, the orientation got off on the wrong foot with me when they asked us all to stand. OK, sure, they’re going to say the pledge of allegiance - makes sense at a school. But no. instead, we were treated to a teacher singing the national anthem. First off – WTF?? It wasn’t a baseball game, it was a bunch of kids and some of their parents in the middle school cafeteria. Second, it sounded exactly like what you would expect a teacher singing the national anthem in the school cafeteria. But I shouldn’t complain. After all, we got to enjoy such beloved versus like, “What so proudly we hmmmm, at the twilight’s last gleaming” and “O’er the lamp parts we watched…”

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We had a surprise 40th birthday party to go to on Saturday, which was pretty fun. As with every event in mr b’s family, it was a big drunkfest. Scabs and I sat on a glider on the deck and managed to get almost every person that passed us to get us drink refills. It was a thing of beauty. Oh, and also? You know how when you spend the day swimming in the ocean and then you can still feel your body moving in the waves for the next 12 hours? Well, it works the same way with a glider. All night long and into the next day, I could feel myself rocking back and forth. Which made the hangover all the more delightful. Needless to say, Sunday was pretty much a wash as far as getting anything done around the house. I worked for a couple of hours on a dress I am sewing for the girl (Belle’s blue dress, for those of you up on your princess fashion), and then I laid down to rest for the next eleventy hours because sitting upright and pinning pleats is exhausting and has nothing to do with being (almost) old and hungover.

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I swear – the universe was trying to cheer me up this morning. Because on the drive in, I saw:

1 - person standing at a bus stop shaving their face with an electric razor. She wasn’t even using a mirror.

1 - person walking in the park wearing full-blown winter gear – parka and all. And a Hawaiian shirt on top.

1 - Hare Krishna.

And…

1 - man wearing an ankle-length nightgown over his pants (and also apparently a white blanket tucked into the waistband under there) and a leather bomber jacket, who – while crossing the street in front of me as I was stopped at a red light – decided that right now would be the time to stop and do some squats and lunges.

Why, oh why couldn’t I have had my camera ready?

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And finally - the quote of the week:

We were at a restaurant this weekend and we were talking to the waitress about how the normally busy place was kind of quiet. She and the other waitresses were speculating about the reason for the dead night, and she said,

Sweet, but terribly young, waitress: “We usually have slow nights when there are concerts nearby. I heard there is one at Consol Park tonight.

Mr b: “Oh yeah – who is it?”

SBTYW: “The Sticks. I don’t know – I never heard of them.”

Heehee. I am getting old.


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Also – I am pretending like the Burgh Mom get-together never happened, because I couldn’t make it for the second time and I am bummed out about it, so if it never happened, then I never missed anything, so LALALALALALA I can’t hear you…

Friday Five: Stupidity

Friday Five: Stupidity

1. What’s something really, really stupid you’ve done that could easily have resulted in your own death?

I’ve done a lot of stupid things, but definitely I’d have to say drinking and driving. And you can’t imagine how it pains me to admit that. I’m ashamed and I should be. These days, I am a very adamant and vocal opponent of drinking and driving. I think people who do so are selfish, stupid assholes who deserve serious criminal charges and major jail time. But there was a time when I occasionally did it. I was young and stupid and invincible and “not that drunk.” Or so I thought. The last time I did it – many, many years ago, I remember driving home and actually seeing double. I had to close one eye to stay in my lane. And it scared the shit out of me. Now – I won’t drive if I have been drinking. I will occasionally have a beer or glass of wine or two over the course of the entire evening, but mostly I don’t drink at all if I have to drive. And I will fight you tooth and nail to make sure you don’t either. In fact, I don’t even really like being on the roads late at night on weekends or holidays simply because I know there area lot of people out there who “aren’t that drunk.”

2. What makes you feel stupid?

Not a lot, truthfully. I know I am not stupid and I don’t generally get my self-confidence (other than body image) from outside sources. Mostly, what makes me feel stupid is when I act impulsively and hurt someone’s feelings. Because speaking before you think is stupid. And lord know I have done it enough. And had it done to me. And it’s STUPID.

3. What’s something that’s stupid in a very smart way?

Men and their helpless bullshit. Mr b can build an entire house from the ground up, can replicate a piece of 18^th century piece of furniture that would fool all but an expert, and CAN DO ALGEBRA. But somehow he can’t manage to notice his underwear on the bathroom floor, wouldn’t know the kids’ homeroom number or class schedule if it were tattooed on his ass, or remember to CLOSE THE GODDAMN PACAKGE OF HAMBURGER BUNS FOR ONCE IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE!! Stupid? Or Genius?

4. What’s an example of a stupid idea working out in a way that solved a problem?

Dude. Two words – duct tape.

Otherwise, my stupidity usually stays stupid. Although, that one time when I was having an excruciating gallbladder attack and I begged my coworker to hit me on the head with a giant can of soup to knock me out? If she wouldn’t have pussed out and called 911, that would have fit perfectly. Stupid? Yes. But I would have been out cold and not feeling the pain anymore, so – Problem Solved.

5. There is apparently a brand of packaged popcorn called Smartfood. What might be found in the package labeled Stupidfood?

Probably all of my favorite stuff. Like Cheetos. And marshmallows. And Coke. And Twizzlers. And fried stuff. And cheese sauce. And rum. Mmmmm. . .rum.

The Worst Date, Ever

On the radio this morning, they were asking people to call in with their bad date stories. I didn’t want the prize, so I didn’t call, but it got me thinking about what would be my worst date. Most of the callers had stories about cars breaking down and leaving wallets at home, and I have a couple of those, too, but in general, I don’t have many bad date stories. Mainly because I haven’t had a lot of dates. That doesn’t mean I have gone out with a bunch of great guys, just that I didn’t actually “date” much. I grew up in a small town, so you generally ended up, “going steady” right away and that was that. There wasn’t a whole lot of actual dating. And in college, well. . .you know.

Anyway, my worst date ever was with a guy named Steve. I had just moved to the city, after two years at Amish Party College and one semester at home commuting to a local PSU branch campus. I knew no one, and was anxious to find some friends. My brand new roommate and I ended up becoming very close, but at the time she had a serious boyfriend and was with him constantly, so I was on my own. I found a local bar that had a Dead Night and figured that was the best way to meet people like me. Since I have never had a problem going out by myself, I headed there that night.

I had a good time, drinking and dancing and mingling. I met a lot of people and was really glad I decided to go (it ended up being a weekly thing for many years to come). A couple of times during the night, I noticed a guy (Steve) looking at me. He was kind of cute, so I figured what the hell and walked over to say hello. He seemed pretty cool and we ended up hanging out the rest of the night. He asked me to go out to see a Dead cover band that weekend and I said yes.

On Saturday, when he picked me up he said we had to go pick up his brother and a friend first. OK – no problem. It might be a little odd to have extras on a first date, but this was a hippie first date, so not that out there. And in fact, I wasn’t really sure if I should look at it as a date. Plus – it kept the more casual, no pressure kind of feeling to the date - no problem.

We get to his brother’s house and go in and sit down in the living room to have a few beers before we head to the show because it’s early. And suddenly, his brother comes out of the other room with a huge garbage bag and dumps the contents on the coffee table. The contents? Mushrooms. No, not portabellas, but psychedelic mushrooms. I about had a heart attack. Don’t get me wrong – it wasn’t the mushrooms that freaked me out – I was used to that stuff. It was the huge quantity of them, sitting right out in the open. And his front door is wide open. And looks out onto a main street, with lots of traffic and pedestrians and I saw at least one cop go by right before. I was a little paranoid, since a friend of mine had recently been arrested and served jail time for a similar incident of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. So I was a bit nervous that we would be arrested imminently.

Fortunately we got out of there before that happened and headed to the bar. I was having a good time listening to the band (Sandoz – they became a favorite after that night) and dancing. But after a while, I started feeling a little sick – dizzy and nauseous. I told Steve I was going to head outside for some air. And he left me out there all night . Don’t get me wrong – I didn’t expect him to hold my hand, and I wasn’t sick enough to want to make everyone leave and take me home. I was perfc5ly fin sitting outside for a while. But it might have been nice if he had checked on e at least once – especially when even the other random strangers there were checking on me.

Anyway – I finally felt better and went back in, but it was near time to go. We left and dropped off the brother and friend back at Mushroom Central. In the way back to my place, we drove through downtown, a very scary gang banger looking guy crossed the street in front of us. For some reason, this pissed Steve off. So he started screaming at the guy, and flipping him off. The guy stopped directly in front of our car and just looked at us with a cold, evil look. So Steve apparently decides that this would be the perfect time to throw out a racial slur. The guy started reaching into a pocket and I don’t know – maybe he was going to offer us a mint, but I was thinking “gungungungun”. I had to beg him to please shut up and drive away. Luckily, he did, before we both got shot.

I was a nervous wreck at this point and couldn’t wait to get away form this idiot. And then, when we get to my apartment, he double parks outside the place - not even taking the car out of drive - to drop me off. This was fine by me, since I wanted to get as far from him as fast as I can. So I said goodbye and as I was getting out of the car yelling - screaming - at me because I didn’t invite him up to sleep with him! No seriously – he actually said that he expected to come in and have sex. WTF??? I mean, even if I did want to sleep with him, by not even parking the damned car, he pretty much ruled that out. He was a truly charming guy.

Tell 'Em Bela!

OK, so let’s get this out of the way first – I want to punch Olympic Gymnastics in the face. The whole damned thing is pissing me of this year. I don’t presume to know everything about gymnastics or gymnastics judging, but 12 years in the sport has taught me enough to know that there is some serious bullshit going on. First off, we have the too young gymnast from China. I mean – a couple of them look a bit young to me, but He Kexin is a joke. I don’t give a fuck what documents china produced for her. And the IOC or FIG, or whomever, is full of shit if they think we’re buying that they’re buying it. The girl competed in a meet last year that required her to be younger. So she was either illegal there or illegal here. The laws of physics pretty much make it clear. So even if she was cheating there and is legal here – she’s a cheater, and China’s a cheater, and the fucking IOC is a cheater for looking the other way.

Next up – the judging. What the Fuck??? I don’t want to go so far as to say the judges are biased, but COME ON! The scoring has been so lopsidedly in favor of the Chinese over the US that it’s hard not to be a bit suspicious. I’m sorry, but when a girls who are falling and making mistakes worthy of major (.5, etc) deductions are beating girls who were near perfect or only had minor deductions, something is not right.

And the new scoring system. Not only does it alienate fans by being completely confusing and taking away the old “gold star” of the perfect 10, but the gymnasts and coaches themselves don’t even seem to really understand it. And the confusion, along with the nature of the system itself open the doors for a great deal of fuckery. Subjective sports walk a line to begin with, but this is worse. Fuckery, I say.

And what the holy hell is with the “no ties” rule? If there is a tie, there is a tie. The tiebreaker procedure is a joke. They may as well just flip a fucking silver yuan and call it a day.

And this isn’t just sour grapes – I’d feel the same way regardless of the country getting screwed – it’s not a vendetta against China – their divers are so far above the US, it’s not even funny. And those Chinese gymnast are great. But there is some fuckery going on.

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Anyway. If I’m sounding crabby, it’s because I am. Mr. b has been sitting in front of his computer dicking around on napster for hours. And it’s not that it bothers me that he’s doing it, it’s the fucking music that I hate. And the fact that he feels the need to play it at full volume. He’s a music snob. He can’t seem to accept that there are certain types of music that I don’t like. He thinks it’s not a matter of taste, but a matter of choice. He likes Jazz. I hate it. I mean HAAAAAAAAATE. And he feels that it is music for the smart or classy or educated or some other such nonsense. I, on the other hand, think that I would rather listen to a hardcore rap about putting a cap in a bitch than listen to 5 seconds of cool jazz or fusion or anything of the sort. But he thinks if he keeps trying to push it on me, I’ll somehow like it – like I’ll wake up and say, Ahhhh…I get it. But it’s not that I don’t get it. It’s that I don’t like it. Instead, all his pushing does is make me think about hitting him in the head with the white hot poker that I want to shove into my ears to get away from the fucking NOISE!

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So we went to Kennywood on Thursday and – as predicted – the weather sucked balls. Just as we were about to pack it in, though (after hanging out in the pouring rain for quite a while), it cleared up and got sunny. So, a lot of the crowds had taken off and it turned out to be a decent night. Minus a couple incidents.

We were letting the boys go on some rides alone. They would get on the ride and call us as son as they were getting off so they could meet us again. And once, they took off without the phone. So when they got off the ride, they panicked. They did the right thing and found an officer, who in turn called me. Of course I felt like the world’s worst mother. Then a couple hours later, they ran into a group of three friend while getting on a ride (as an aside – WTF is with three? Why would you take three kids to an amusement park? That’s a recipe for disaster). Anyway, they ran into these three friends – one boy and two girls – and the boy asked my boy’s friend to ride with him. So he did, and the girls rode together and guess who got left out? If it had just been the one ride, no big deal. But the two kids got on an earlier train and didn’t wait for the boy. So he was alone and his friend had the cell phone. So we spent the next hour trying to find him, with me panicking. I found out that he was with the two girls, so I realized that he wasn’t totally alone, which made me feel better, but I was pissed that he got ditched. I don’t think his friend meant to do it maliciously, but the fact is –you dance with the one who brung ya. If their asses had been in the same seat, it wouldn’t have happened. After that stress, there was no more going off alone for them, needless to say. And once I knew he was safe, all I could think was thank god I didn’t get another call from the Kennywood Police.

I woke up Friday exhausted and sore. I’m not sure when riding roller coasters became exercise, but apparently it is, because my body hurt. Part of it was from riding the Thunderbolt with a stranger and her being on the “squish side”, so I was holding on and bracing myself to keep from smashing her flat.

The girl loved it this year. She has been pretty intimidated in years past, but this year, she wanted to ride almost everything. Which bodes well for Disney this year (45 days – woo!). She was waiting for one kiddie ride that I didn’t want to ride on and I was glad she wanted to go by herself. But I started to feel bad because all the other mothers were going on. So I got in line with her. When we got on and strapped in, she noticed another (older) kid riding alone and kicked my ass off the ride. And I was happy. Because look at what the other mothers looked like on Tiny Barfarama (Jen – I know you know what I am talking about):

I only got to ride the Pitfall once, but otherwise, it was a good day.

Oh - also - I broke my toe on Saturday. It was not a good day.

More photos:

The Turtle:

Kiddie Swings:

The boy and his hat, which makes me want to kill myself:

Handsome:

Getting her face painted:

My poor toe:

And now, to wash that ugliness out of your mind - something seriously beautiful:

Anniversary

Tomorrow is our community day at Kennywood, and of course there is rain in the forecast. It has rained on our community day every year since the beginning of time. I’m hoping it stays away completely or at least is quick. It’s too hard to reschedule when I have 5 kids to worry about (not all mine, of course), and I’ve called off work and the tickets are purchased. I’ll take ponchos and as long as we can get a chance to ride everything (my SIL is coming, so I will get a chance to ride the Pitfall once or twice (or 600 times), and we get our fries with cheese or gravy and I get my corn dog and a square ice cream (suck it Florine), and I play the one game that I am good at (that roll the bowling ball one) and win everyone a prize, I’ll be happy.

Community day is held around the same time every year and in the past few years, I find myself getting a little anxious around this time. I usually just brush it off as anticipation and nostalgia, but I realized today that while Kennywood holds so many happy memories for me, it also represents one not so happy one.

Four years ago, I was at Kennywood he I got the call that mr b had had his accident. I will never forget the feeling of being so happy, riding and playing and eating (in the rain, of course) and then going immediately into a nightmare. When I got the call, I wasn’t even sure if he was going to survive – they don’t give you too much over the phone. What I would find out later was that he had fallen 25 feet and shattered his feet - every single bone. His heel bones were in so many - and so small - pieces that there was nothing to repair. His feet were swollen to the size of watermelons. I called my mom to meet me and get the kids and I rushed off to the hospital. It was a day that started off great and then turned in to months of worry and fear and grief.

Mr b recovered, of course, but not completely and not without a lot of pain. He spent time in a nursing home, while I tried to hold things down at home with a 7 year old and an infant, all the while trying to hold it together. I rushed from home to daycare to work to the nursing home (often stopping for decent food so mr b wound’s have to eat the home food), then to pick up the kids, then home, then had to deal with homework and diapers and dinner and baths. I took the kids to see me b as often as I could. I barely stayed afloat emotionally. I remember breaking down one day while I took the garbage out in the pouring rain. It had to be done right then and I had no choice. I was already on the verge and then I looked up to see my fuckhead neighbors watching me, and it was too much. I sat down in the rain in my good work clothes and cried, while the kids were inside, clueless.

I thought it would be easier when mr b finally came home, but I was wrong. Because now, in addition to doing everything, I had to learn how to give him shots. And how to fight with doctors offices and insurance companies. And how to work a borrowed wheelchair van and lift and restraints. And once his feet didn’t need to be constantly elevated, how to maneuver a wheelchair in and out of the trunk of our car without hurting myself. And how to clean wounds and hospital beds and portable toilets.

I learned how very few places are truly wheelchair accessible. I learned how humiliating it is for a grown man to be turned away, or to be carried or to patronized. I learned that there are a lot of assholes who borrow grandma’s wheelchair tag to get a close spot at Macy’s.

I tried to hide my worries about money, since mr b was already feeling so bad, but man, did I worry. He got workers comp, but it was only a fraction of his salary. And the biggest problem was that he had taken a job at a lower wage than he wanted because he really needed it and because there was a ton of overtime. So we were getting not only a fraction of his salary, but a fraction of about 65% of his salary. And we were just in the process of getting out of the hole that having a business created when he took the job. It was rough. And we didn’t know what was to become of his career. It was clear that he would never be a carpenter again. He had a degree and a good bit of experience to fall back on, but he had always defined himself by his job (something I was always telling him he shouldn’t do), so it was a hard thing for him to deal with.

We struggled financially. We struggled physically – him because of his injuries (which were massive – the worst that the surgeons had ever seen and largely inoperable) and the eventual learning to walk again and me just simply from doing all the heavy lifting (both literally and figuratively). We struggled emotionally. He was already depressed and now he was depressed and angry. I was suffering from PPD and now I was depressed and angry. But somehow, we made it – we didn’t really have a choice. We had two kids to take care of and during that time, we learned to lean on each other more than ever.

In some sick way, I miss that time a little – not the pain and misery, but the way we appreciated each other and grew together. So I don’t mind the little reminder once a year – it would serve me well to remember that I could have lost him and would serve him well to remember how I supported him. He will always walk with a pronounced limp, and sometimes I drop behind him a little so I can take it in and realize what we have overcome and remind myself that we can get through anything that comes our way.

So if you’re in an amusement park tomorrow and see a limping man with his wife walking a few feet behind you’ll know who they are.

Call Wonder Pets

I was at my sister-in-law’s house last week and as I was driving out of the neighborhood, I saw a hawk flapping around near some bushes. I thought it was hunting something so I turned around to get some photos. It turned out that the poor thing was injured – he appeared to have a broken wing. In lieu of the girl’s suggestion that we call the Wonder Pets, I got one of the neighbors to get the number for the fish and game commission, so we could call for a raptor rescue. But I took a few shots while we waited:

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In other news, I ate pizza (with mushrooms and hot peppers. . .mmm) for breakfast. Florine Marks is probably rolling over in her grave. You know, if she were dead. She’s not dead is she? I don’t think she is. I’m going to have to go look it up. And I tell you, if I find out that all this time I have been watching and counting and drinking eleventy gallons of water a day and she died all huge and floppy and needed one of those giant caskets, all bets are off, dead, fat Florine!

WTF? I'm an only child!

OK – so let’s get it out of the way right now – you know I love my kids, right? I love them more than anything in the whole universe. I love them more than I ever imagined I could love anything – they are wonderful and sweet and beautiful and perfect. You got that?

OK, good.

These kids are driving me out of my fucking mind.

I am sure a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am an only child and have never experienced it firsthand, but Oh. My. God. the fucking fighting is making me insane! I know they love each other, but Lordy, in between those sweet moments, I want to kill someone.

And considering that this is all new, fresh hell for me, their dad needs to calm the fuck down. You would think that with 6 sisters, he would be used to it, but no – none if it ever interrupted his football game before, so he’s evil and it makes everyone else more tense and stressed. That’s pleasant.

Friday Five

I Saw It in the Movies

1. In Citizen Kane, the main character’s last word before dying is “Rosebud,” which is discovered later to be the name of a favorite childhood sled. The idea is that this rich, powerful, hated man, in his last moment, finds himself thinking of happy, innocent times. If the film were about your life, what word might you utter in similar sentiment?

If we take my kids’ names (duh) out of the running, I’d probably say something about Walt Disney World. It’s no secret I am a WDW freak (56 days til our next visit – wooo), but the reason I am is that they are right when they say it’s the happiest place on earth (for me, at least). I have many happy memories of being there as a child, not only with my parents but with extended family. I can remember riding on my uncle’s shoulders, or sitting on my nana’s lap while she was pushed around in a wheelchair. I remember my first visit without my parents in high school. I remember jumping up and down in my seat when we drove through the gates on our honeymoon. And I remember the joy in my kids’ faces when they had their first visit two years ago. Good, happy, sweet memories, all.


2. In Groundhog Day, the main character is forced to live the same day again and again until he has learned to love others and to love himself. If you found yourself in an endless loop, living one day repeatedly until you learned the lesson that was holding you back, what would that lesson be?

That it’s not always worth the fight.


3. In Freaky Friday, a mother and daughter who have difficulty understanding each other find themselves each living the other’s life (occupying the other’s body and everything!). If this were to happen to you for similar reasons, whose body would you wake up in?

Mr b, for sure. Most of our arguments are based simply on the fact that we are just different – we think differently, we have different ideas about many things. But let’s be honest – I’d want it less for experiencing his point of view and more for him to experience mine – to be the one to find the underwear on the floor and the water all over the sink and the spill on the counter and the bread that never gets closed back up.


4. In Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones has to jump into an underground room filmed with the one thing that freaks him out: snakes. “Why did it have to be snakes?” he asks. If the movie were about you, what would you see in the underground room?

Spiders. I can’t even talk about it because I may have a seizure. Otherwise, it would be a high cliff. But mostly spiders. I’m scared of both, but spiders terrify me – I would throw up and cry ans scream and then die. But height, while they terrify me – are different. I woulnd’t scream or run – it would be more paralyzing and I’d hyperventilate. But the fear of spiders is just that – I am afraid of the spiders. The fear of heights is more of a fear that I will lose my mind and throw myself over. Yes, I’m crazy.


5. In Sideways, the main character is asked to explain his love for wine made from a certain grape. As he describes the grape, we realizes he is also describing himself, saying that it must be carefully tended and that it is easily damaged. If the film were about you, what passion (hobby, food, collectible, or activity, for example) would you describe and how would you describe it so that you were also describing yourself?

Reading. It can be happy and sad and boring and exciting. It’s mostly a solitary thing, but it can be shared with others. Sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it takes a lot of effort to appreciate, but it’s worth it.

Wow. That hurt.

I had a bad day at work today. Actually, if it weren’t for one incident, it would have been a good day – I finished up some projects and took on a new task and rocked it. The kind of day that you go home from thinking, I am awesome. But something happened today that ruined it for me.

See, I got an email from someone that was obviously sent to me inadvertently. A person I like and thought liked me apparently clicked Reply when she meant to click Forward and I was treated to a disparaging email about myself. I’m not naïve – I know people talk behind each other’s backs. But knowing that and having it grab you by the lapels and slap you are two different things.

The fact that this was someone I really like and respect made it harder. If it had come from someone I didn’t like, I would have reacted with a “pfft” and said fuck it. But coming from this person, it felt like being punched in the gut. When I first read it, I actually thought it was a joke, because I couldn’t wrap my mind around what I was seeing. But then I realized what had happened and I actually got physically ill. My heart was pounding so hard, I could hear it. I immediately felt nauseous and got a headache. I felt dizzy. It sucked.

I wanted to reply and say fuck you. Or call her a bitch. Or share with her the disparaging remarks that others have said about her, perhaps even the person she intended the email for. But instead, I just replied and told her that I think she meant the email for someone else.

The tone of the email was sarcastic and it was obvious form the wording that this was obviously not the first time she had spoken about me this way. That was probably the most hurtful part – wondering how long she was saying these things about me and I was thinking that she was a friend. She did apologize, but it felt more like she was saying she was sorry that I read it and not sorry that she said it. And there was what I interpreted to be a big “BUT. . .” type statement after it. It felt a little like, “sorry you got this, BUT if you didn’t suck so much, I wouldn’t have said it.”

There was a mention of the topic of the email “being an issue in the past”, but given that no one ever felt the need to tell me about it, I can’t really suck up the responsibility just to clear her conscience No one enjoys criticism, but I’d certainly rather be told if I am doing something wrong, or if you have different expectations that I am not fulfilling than to be gossiped about by people I trust(ed) and respect(ed).

I’ll get over it – there’s far worse things in life. But I doubt I’ll ever feel the same about this person (or who I suspect was her intended recipient). I’ll work with them and be polite and move on. But for now, all I can say is “Wow. That hurt.”

Lazy, Carefree Friday

Every June when Awesome Company starts up summer hours, I think about all the fun things I am going to do on Friday afternoons. I work the extra hour Monday through Thursday, so I get done at 11:30 on Friday. That gives me almost an entire day to do things by myself. Yay me!

Except, inevitably, I find myself looking around the house all morning as I work, thinking about the mess and how I should clean it. Or thinking about the groceries we need. Or thinking about how the kids would love to go swimming. And then I don’t do any of the fun things I planned. The past few years, I have occasionally spent the day shopping or reading in the park, but that’s because I worked in the office and didn’t have top look at the mess all morning. This year, I was given the option of working from home on Fridays, which is a blessing and a curse.

Anyway, this past Friday, I finally said fuck it – fuck the mess, fuck the groceries – and went to a movie. Can I say that – to me at least – going to the movies all by myself is probably the most heavenly, wonderful thing in the entire world? And that’s saying something because I have experienced a) chocolate, b) sex, and c) mind altering drugs. While I think part of it is just who I am – my psychological makeup - I think a good bit of my love for solitude comes from being an only child. I grew up with no siblings that I had to share my space or time with, and busy – though attentive - parents.

Years of practice at being by myself as a child made me into an adult who loves nothing more than an empty house, a or a quiet room and a good book, or a barely sold theater and an entertaining movie. OK, and maybe some booze.

So on Friday, I talked to my mom who said that she was going to pick the kids up after day care and take them shopping, and decided that since I didn’t have to rush anywhere, I was going to run some errands and then see a movie afterwards. Yay - a lazy, carefree day alone. I didn’t care what I saw – I figured I’d get there and choose whatever was showing next. It was about the going to the movie more than the movie itself. Anyway, the next thing showing was Swing Vote, so that’s what I saw. I liked the movie a lot. And I discovered something about myself: I clearly like rednecks. I mean – I have seen Kevin Costner in every movie he’s made and never once have I thought, mmmm. But trash him all up and put him in a trailer? Hoo-boy! Seriously - what the hell?

When the movie was nearing the end, I heard my phone vibrating. I checked to see who it was and it was my mother. I ignored it. The she called again. And again. I still ignored it because I knew it wasn’t an emergency, since the kids weren’t with her yet, nor did she leave a voice mail. Plus the movie would be over in a few minutes and I could call her back. Also – I know my mother and just because she is calling multiple times doesn’t mean that it’s urgent. It just means that she is crazy. She expects to be answered and answered at her convenience. I’m used to this. Starting from when I went away to college, my mom would call. And if I wasn’t there she would call again. And again. And then when she finally did reach me, her greeting was generally an irritated “Where were you?” or a wounded “I’ve been trying to call you!”

It used to irritate me, but I’m pretty much used to it by now and I usually respond with silence and wait for her to tell me what it is she wants. If I react, it will become and issue. If I treat it with the reaction it deserves – none – then she will feel the need to fill the silence and just tell me what she wants already.

Anyway, I was a little frustrated after the movie from a combination of things. The annoying repeat calls for one. And the seat kicker behind me (an adult no less – these people should have their legs ripped off and shoved up their asses). Plus the group of moviegoers who complained loudly at the end of the film and announced that they deserved their money back because “they didn’t tell you who he voted for.” WTF?? It’s not important who he voted for! It’s not the point of the movie, you mental midgets! Seriously – we’re they planning on basing their November vote on the outcome of the movie. If that’s the case: Dear Outraged Moviegoers, He voted Democrat. Trust me. Love, Gina.

As I was saying, I was a bit irritated, so when I got the “where were you”, I answered that I was in a movie. Then we had to go through the deaf thing, which involves a lot of yelling and “where?” and “The movie!” and “whose house?” and “The MOVIES!!” This is always fun. Then once she understand that part, she asks why I am not working. I explain that I am off, just like I have been every summer Friday afternoon for the last 11 years. Next she asks if I took the kids. No – they are at daycare. Then who did I go to the movies with?!?! I love the suspicion. But then I remember the not looking behind a door unless you have hidden there yourself thing and I think "fuck it".

When I tell her that I went by myself, she responds with a “You went to the movies by yourself???, as if I just told her I was giving out free blow jobs on the corner of Lincoln and Lemington. Then she proceeds to tell me that she is not in fact, taking the kids shopping that night. This, of course, would be my fault, because I somehow didn’t make the instructions for picking them up clear to her. Or some other such nonsense. Translated, this actually means that I wasn’t at her beck and call, then followed up with the cheeky being myself/doing my own thing and not her puppet behavior, thus shattering her fragile mood and now she didn’t feel like going. So suddenly, I went from leisurely afternoon to I have to rush home and get the kids now. In her defense, she offered to pick them up for me, but I wasn’t in the mood to visit when I picked them up from her so I turned her down, ran out of the theater, skipped the delicious iced green tea I was planning on getting, and hurried back home.


Man – I love those lazy, carefree days alone.

We Have a Winner!

Well, it was pretty close – with almost everyone getting 16 correct. One person got 17 and one got 12. But then Allison came along and blew everyone away with 21 correct! So Allison – email me your address and give me a couple of days (I waited to get a couple things until I knew who won) to get it out to you.

Thanks to everyone who entered – you guys are great and to those of you who I didn’t know before - you all have a brand new reader. And Amy – the fact that you did it wrong the first time cracked me up, because I would totally do something like that.

So here goes:

1. I competed on a men’s sports team.

True. When I went to college, I joined the swim team as a diver. What I didn’t know was that there was no women’s team, only a women’s “club”. I found this out at my first meet – an invitational of seven teams – as I noticed I was the only girl getting suited up. Since there weren’t the maximum of male divers on the team, I was allowed to compete any time we had a meet with a school without a women’s club or team.

2. I attended three different colleges before graduating.

True. My first was a small private school, which my parents thought was very nice and peaceful and instead was a wild party. I lasted 2 years, but had to go. Next, I went tpo a branch campus of Penn State, with the intention of heading to main campus the next semester. This didn’t happen, since I had a boyfriend and wanted to stay nearby. I ended up at Pitt instead. And the boyfriend was an asshole and long gone before I even got to Pitt. This was the only time I ever made a decision based o a boyfriend. I still kick myself.

3. I speak fluent French.

Non. I took four years in high school and four semesters in college and I am still not even close to fluent. I spoke it well enough to make my way around Paris, and I got an A in a college course where you only spoke French and the tests were conversations. But still I was panicked every minute and never fluent. And now - forget it. I do remember a little and the sounds of Mme. West yelling “Fermez les bouches!” still rings in my ears.

4. I had a job showing photographs to pigeons.

True. I did an independent study in college on stimulus equivalence and I spent hours a day putting pigeons in a box and showing them a slide show. It was an awesome job.

5. I've never gotten a speeding ticket.

False. But I haven’t gotten one in a long time (knock on wood).

6. I have a photo on my desk of me and Barry Manilow.

I wish. I’m a borderline Fanilow, but all I have is a photo of me with a B-Man impersonator.

7. I once got a fishing hook through my nipple and had to have it cut out.

False (barely). I was fishing with friends and wearing a tiny black bikini trimmed in red and yellow. And somehow a feathered red and yellow lure ended up going right through my suit at nipple level. It cut me a little, but no real damage was done, except for the embarrassment of walking across campus with what looked like a stripper tassel on visitor’s day.

8. I did psychedelics as part of an experiment.

True. A good friend of mine was a philosophy major and a professor of his was very interested in the effects of psychedelics on spirituality (she used to go to Rainbow gatherings and study people), so we hung out with her for the day while she asked us questions about God and stuff.

9. I made out with Eddie Money.

False. But when I was a freshman, he did a show on campus and a girl on my hall did. And she was obviously expecting everyone to be impressed because he was famous, but instead we were grossed out because he was old and disgusting.

10. I won an ice cream eating contest.

False. I got second place in a no hands sundae eating contest (The girls ate and the guy partner could help by moving the dish around – this was some sort of sorority/fraternity charity thing), but only because the winners cheated. For some reason, there were costumes and my partner and I were dressed as 1930s gangsters.

11. I was second in my graduating class.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. False.

12. I got a leech on me while on acid and lost my shit.

False – this happened to a friend, though. I played with a highlighter and a black light while he took a panicked 2 hour shower.

13. I once got bitten by a big-ass monkey.

False. But it sounded like something that would happen to me though, didn’t it? I did get bitten by a big-ass snake once. It hurt and I grabbed the snake and threw it. It was BIG-ASS.

14. I started talking at 6 months.

True. And I haven’t shut up since. 60% of the time since then, I have been on the phone with Hedge.

15. I once shaved my head.

False. But I probably would have is the situation ever arose. I have never been afraid of doing weird thing with my hair. Once at a party a guy shaved a small piece from the base of my hair and used it to make a roach clip. I ended up with it and lost it years later at a Dead Show.

16. There are photos of me in a medical journal.

True – I was at eye and ear hospital for a routine exam and had some weird discoloration on my corneas. Eleventeen excited doctors and a jabillion questions later (have you ever been exposed to mercury? Have you ingested any heavy metals?) I was photographed and published.

17. I have a tattoo of Mickey Mouse.

False. I have no tattoos. But I do love Mickey. A few years back, I planned on a dancing bear tattoo, but never got it. Now, it would be my kids names. Only if I lose a bunch of weight will I get it.

18. I had to be escorted to my car after being racially harassed in a bar.

True. A psychopath came on to me and when I turned him down, started calling me a ni@@er-lover and screaming at me (I was there with a friend who is black) and threatening to follow me home and “fix my ass”.

19. My diving career ended when my friend threw me in a pile of broken glass.

True. We were partying in a friend’s room and throwing our beer bottles into a garbage can and missing. And when I leaned over the edge of the loft, a friend shoved me off and I landed foot down in the broken glass. It kept me out for the rest of the season. I left before the sext year started and didn’t bother joining at Pitt because while I was good for a small school, a state team would have laughed my ass right out of there.

20. I was mugged by a gang of teenagers.

True. The little fuckers (six of them) jumped a friend and me, physically assaulted us and stole our wallets. And then the fake-ass campus police came along, represented themselves as real police, chased tem off without doing anything to them, and then drove us home and treated us like shit because we had been drinking. I called up the police to complain and found out that they were kampus kops, and boy did I stir up some shit.

21. With 6 months to go, mr b and I decided to scrap the wedding plans and get married in Vegas.

False. I had a huge wedding. Mr b and I both have humongous families and had a big, crazy party of a wedding. I don’t even want to tell you how many guests we had.

22. I failed high school trigonometry.

False. How dumb do you think I am???? I got a D.

23. I once got a bowling ball stuck on my thumb for three hours.

True. I have big thumbs – what can I say? It took hours of maneuvering and lots of tools and oil to get it off. Then my thumb swelled to the size of a carp.

24. I once told a priest to suck it.

True. He was a dick.

25. I have traveled across the country to see the Grateful Dead.

False. But man, I wanted to. My parents would never had let me. . I went as far as Ohio and Virginia, because I could do that on the QT.

26. I have visible needle marks on my arms.

True. No – I was never a junkie, but I give blood as often as possible. And then years ago I worked for the blood bank and discovered platelet donation. One (large) needle in each arm for two hours. I did it once a week for many years. I still do it, but only about once a month or so. (PSA – look into it – it’s important. It takes 8 regular blood donations to get the platelets from one platelet donation, and it is needed. And despite the two needles, it doesn’t hurt. As a bonus, you get to watch a movie – without kids – and you lat in a comfortable recliner – it’s heaven)

27. I had a mullet.

True. I was in ninth grade. Though in those days, we didn’t call it a mullet, wer called it, “getting your ears cut out.”

28. My middle name is Michael.

False. It’s Marie. But I always liked Michael for a girl.

29. I was suspended from school several times.

True. I was a class clown and some teachers didn’t appreciate my humor. Also – once I drank myself into a tree on a ski trip.

30. I was once run over by a chariot.

True. During Greek Week. I ended up on crutches and the athletic trainer was pissed at me.

31. I have a platinum record.

True. I never said I recorded it. But I won a radio contest to be Gary Allen’s assistant for the day and they sent me a platinum record award with an engraved plaque just for me.

32. I am really good at canoeing.

True. I actually took a class in the dead of winter and the last thing you want to do is fall I the lake in winter, so I paid attention and learned. The first time mr b and I went together, he didn’t believe I was as good as I said until I blew him out of the water.

33. I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

False. What kind of person do you think I am? I wouldn’t kill someone just to watch them die. I had a good reason. And it was in Pittsburgh.