Monday, February 4, 2008

Killing Me Softly With His Song

And by “softly”, I mean very, very loudly. Oh – and by “song”, I mean horrible, house-shaking snoring. And I guess if I’m going to be honest here, I should clear up that by “killing me”, I actually may mean “killing him (with a pillow so I can get some goddamned sleep)”

He’s always snored. When we were first together, it was that cute little snore that you laugh about afterward and complain about with your girlfriends. The one where you just shake the bed slightly and it stops.

After a while, that progressed to the Kick Him And He’ll Knock It Off snore.

But then we moved into the Shove Him A Little And He’ll Roll Over snore.

And then into the Wake Him Up And Tell Him To Roll Over snore.

Then the Wake Him Up And Tell Him To Roll The FUCK Over! snore.

And just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, we entered the age of Even When He Rolls Over He Still Snores snore.

And the Oh My God, I Can’t Believe He Is Laying On His Stomach And Still Snoring! snore.

Next came the Jesus Christ, I Can’t Even Get A Good Night’s Sleep Around Here Because Of That Fucking Snoring! snore.

At this point, I was pregnant and began sleeping on the couch because I could only sleep in a semi-seated position. After the girl was born, I moved back in the bed. At first, I didn’t notice the snoring so much because I was a) up half the night anyway and b) insane. But once the girls started sleeping though the night, I noticed how tired I was even without getting up to nurse eleventy five times a night. So I started paying attention to how many times I woke up during the night and let me tell you, it was many. In the early years, his snoring would only make it harder for me to fall asleep, but once I did, it wouldn’t wake me up. But somewhere along the line it got to where it was waking me up multiple times a night. So back to the couch I went.

For a while, I slept pretty well, but recently, we’ve reached a new high…er…low.

The For The Love Of All Things Good And Holy I Am In The Living Room And He Is In The Bedroom With The Door Closed And It Is Still Keeping Me Up And Can Someone Please Tell Me If Snoring Is An Acceptable Defense Because I Need To Start Planning Now snore.

I’m sad because I bought a pretty blue and brown comforter set and it’ll be wasted, since I doubt I’ll ever be able to sleep in the bedroom again.

Does anyone else have this problem? If so, how do you deal with it?

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Anonymous said...

E is a snorer too... and by God, I too contemplate taking the pillow to him every night. Right now, I use earplugs and benedryl, honestly.
But maybe yours needs evaluated, you know, get one of those breathing machines!

meno said...

He needs to go to the doctor and get his nose reamed out.

Sounds pleasant huh?

Anonymous said...

He should probably see a doctor. If you're hearing it in the living room, I'm sure the kids hear it too. So now 3 of you aren't getting the best sleep (even if they aren't waking up, their sleep could be affected). There has got to be something the doctor can do for him (and all of you).

Lisa said...

I am so with you on the wanting to kill. Or was, until I got pregnant again. Now it's ME who snores all night and keeps HIM awake. I find it very funny. He doesn't so much.