We Have a Winner!

Well, it was pretty close – with almost everyone getting 16 correct. One person got 17 and one got 12. But then Allison came along and blew everyone away with 21 correct! So Allison – email me your address and give me a couple of days (I waited to get a couple things until I knew who won) to get it out to you.

Thanks to everyone who entered – you guys are great and to those of you who I didn’t know before - you all have a brand new reader. And Amy – the fact that you did it wrong the first time cracked me up, because I would totally do something like that.

So here goes:

1. I competed on a men’s sports team.

True. When I went to college, I joined the swim team as a diver. What I didn’t know was that there was no women’s team, only a women’s “club”. I found this out at my first meet – an invitational of seven teams – as I noticed I was the only girl getting suited up. Since there weren’t the maximum of male divers on the team, I was allowed to compete any time we had a meet with a school without a women’s club or team.

2. I attended three different colleges before graduating.

True. My first was a small private school, which my parents thought was very nice and peaceful and instead was a wild party. I lasted 2 years, but had to go. Next, I went tpo a branch campus of Penn State, with the intention of heading to main campus the next semester. This didn’t happen, since I had a boyfriend and wanted to stay nearby. I ended up at Pitt instead. And the boyfriend was an asshole and long gone before I even got to Pitt. This was the only time I ever made a decision based o a boyfriend. I still kick myself.

3. I speak fluent French.

Non. I took four years in high school and four semesters in college and I am still not even close to fluent. I spoke it well enough to make my way around Paris, and I got an A in a college course where you only spoke French and the tests were conversations. But still I was panicked every minute and never fluent. And now - forget it. I do remember a little and the sounds of Mme. West yelling “Fermez les bouches!” still rings in my ears.

4. I had a job showing photographs to pigeons.

True. I did an independent study in college on stimulus equivalence and I spent hours a day putting pigeons in a box and showing them a slide show. It was an awesome job.

5. I've never gotten a speeding ticket.

False. But I haven’t gotten one in a long time (knock on wood).

6. I have a photo on my desk of me and Barry Manilow.

I wish. I’m a borderline Fanilow, but all I have is a photo of me with a B-Man impersonator.

7. I once got a fishing hook through my nipple and had to have it cut out.

False (barely). I was fishing with friends and wearing a tiny black bikini trimmed in red and yellow. And somehow a feathered red and yellow lure ended up going right through my suit at nipple level. It cut me a little, but no real damage was done, except for the embarrassment of walking across campus with what looked like a stripper tassel on visitor’s day.

8. I did psychedelics as part of an experiment.

True. A good friend of mine was a philosophy major and a professor of his was very interested in the effects of psychedelics on spirituality (she used to go to Rainbow gatherings and study people), so we hung out with her for the day while she asked us questions about God and stuff.

9. I made out with Eddie Money.

False. But when I was a freshman, he did a show on campus and a girl on my hall did. And she was obviously expecting everyone to be impressed because he was famous, but instead we were grossed out because he was old and disgusting.

10. I won an ice cream eating contest.

False. I got second place in a no hands sundae eating contest (The girls ate and the guy partner could help by moving the dish around – this was some sort of sorority/fraternity charity thing), but only because the winners cheated. For some reason, there were costumes and my partner and I were dressed as 1930s gangsters.

11. I was second in my graduating class.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. False.

12. I got a leech on me while on acid and lost my shit.

False – this happened to a friend, though. I played with a highlighter and a black light while he took a panicked 2 hour shower.

13. I once got bitten by a big-ass monkey.

False. But it sounded like something that would happen to me though, didn’t it? I did get bitten by a big-ass snake once. It hurt and I grabbed the snake and threw it. It was BIG-ASS.

14. I started talking at 6 months.

True. And I haven’t shut up since. 60% of the time since then, I have been on the phone with Hedge.

15. I once shaved my head.

False. But I probably would have is the situation ever arose. I have never been afraid of doing weird thing with my hair. Once at a party a guy shaved a small piece from the base of my hair and used it to make a roach clip. I ended up with it and lost it years later at a Dead Show.

16. There are photos of me in a medical journal.

True – I was at eye and ear hospital for a routine exam and had some weird discoloration on my corneas. Eleventeen excited doctors and a jabillion questions later (have you ever been exposed to mercury? Have you ingested any heavy metals?) I was photographed and published.

17. I have a tattoo of Mickey Mouse.

False. I have no tattoos. But I do love Mickey. A few years back, I planned on a dancing bear tattoo, but never got it. Now, it would be my kids names. Only if I lose a bunch of weight will I get it.

18. I had to be escorted to my car after being racially harassed in a bar.

True. A psychopath came on to me and when I turned him down, started calling me a ni@@er-lover and screaming at me (I was there with a friend who is black) and threatening to follow me home and “fix my ass”.

19. My diving career ended when my friend threw me in a pile of broken glass.

True. We were partying in a friend’s room and throwing our beer bottles into a garbage can and missing. And when I leaned over the edge of the loft, a friend shoved me off and I landed foot down in the broken glass. It kept me out for the rest of the season. I left before the sext year started and didn’t bother joining at Pitt because while I was good for a small school, a state team would have laughed my ass right out of there.

20. I was mugged by a gang of teenagers.

True. The little fuckers (six of them) jumped a friend and me, physically assaulted us and stole our wallets. And then the fake-ass campus police came along, represented themselves as real police, chased tem off without doing anything to them, and then drove us home and treated us like shit because we had been drinking. I called up the police to complain and found out that they were kampus kops, and boy did I stir up some shit.

21. With 6 months to go, mr b and I decided to scrap the wedding plans and get married in Vegas.

False. I had a huge wedding. Mr b and I both have humongous families and had a big, crazy party of a wedding. I don’t even want to tell you how many guests we had.

22. I failed high school trigonometry.

False. How dumb do you think I am???? I got a D.

23. I once got a bowling ball stuck on my thumb for three hours.

True. I have big thumbs – what can I say? It took hours of maneuvering and lots of tools and oil to get it off. Then my thumb swelled to the size of a carp.

24. I once told a priest to suck it.

True. He was a dick.

25. I have traveled across the country to see the Grateful Dead.

False. But man, I wanted to. My parents would never had let me. . I went as far as Ohio and Virginia, because I could do that on the QT.

26. I have visible needle marks on my arms.

True. No – I was never a junkie, but I give blood as often as possible. And then years ago I worked for the blood bank and discovered platelet donation. One (large) needle in each arm for two hours. I did it once a week for many years. I still do it, but only about once a month or so. (PSA – look into it – it’s important. It takes 8 regular blood donations to get the platelets from one platelet donation, and it is needed. And despite the two needles, it doesn’t hurt. As a bonus, you get to watch a movie – without kids – and you lat in a comfortable recliner – it’s heaven)

27. I had a mullet.

True. I was in ninth grade. Though in those days, we didn’t call it a mullet, wer called it, “getting your ears cut out.”

28. My middle name is Michael.

False. It’s Marie. But I always liked Michael for a girl.

29. I was suspended from school several times.

True. I was a class clown and some teachers didn’t appreciate my humor. Also – once I drank myself into a tree on a ski trip.

30. I was once run over by a chariot.

True. During Greek Week. I ended up on crutches and the athletic trainer was pissed at me.

31. I have a platinum record.

True. I never said I recorded it. But I won a radio contest to be Gary Allen’s assistant for the day and they sent me a platinum record award with an engraved plaque just for me.

32. I am really good at canoeing.

True. I actually took a class in the dead of winter and the last thing you want to do is fall I the lake in winter, so I paid attention and learned. The first time mr b and I went together, he didn’t believe I was as good as I said until I blew him out of the water.

33. I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

False. What kind of person do you think I am? I wouldn’t kill someone just to watch them die. I had a good reason. And it was in Pittsburgh.