Your Funny Misunderstanding Can Win Big

We’ve all had one of those moments when we said one thing, but the person we said it to heard (or understood) something else entirely. It can be funny, frustrating and embarrassing. But usually, it’s pretty funny.

Regional dialect or slang can play a part in it – I know a lot of folks in the Pittsburgh area who have had a similar experience as mr b, when his friend from North Carolina came to visit. My MIL was making them sandwiches for lunch and asked if he wanted a jumbo sandwich & he replied, “No thank you, ma’am, a regular-sized one will be fine.”

Song lyrics often cause confusion, too. I remember riding on the bus to a football game, and my friend and fellow majorette had her walkman on and was singing along to REO Speedwagon’s Take it on the Run (I told you I was old). We all cracked up when we heard her sing (at full volume), “But I’m telling you, babe, that I don’t think it’s true, babe. And even if it is, keep kissin my hind.” (the real lyrics being “keep this in mind”). Of course, now “my hind” is forever burned into my brain and that’s how I sing it now, making me look stupid in front of anyone who is around.

Alka Seltzer is currently looking for the best or funniest story of just such a misunderstanding. If yours gets picked you can win a trip to NYC to star in an Alka-Seltzer online video featuring your miscommunication. Plus, you’ll receive $5,000 to spend towards whatever you wish. Sounds like a good deal, right?

All you have to do is leave me a comment with your miscommunication and then head over to the facebook page for the contest and enter it there as well (limit 1,000 characters). The contest runs through February 25, after which the winner will be picked by Alka Seltzer based on Creativity/Originality (25%), Writing Quality (25%), Humor (25%), and How well the Submission translates to a Video Vignette (25%).

Come one, funny people –I want one of my readers to win!

Go Now!

NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. Legal residents of the 50 United States (D.C.), 18 years or older. Contest ends 2/25/11. To enter and for Official Rules, including prize description, visit http://www.facebook.com/AlkaSeltzerOriginal?v=app_7146470109&ref=sgm. Void where prohibited.



And now the fine print: I am being compensated by Alka Seltzer and The Motherhood for posting this. All that means is that I can’t win. But one of you can. So once again: Go Now!

And The Winner Is...

Guys, I have to say: YOU ROCK! I wish I could send each and every one of you a prize, but since I can’t, I just want you to know that you are kind, caring, generous people and I am glad to consider you my friends. MWAH!

Anyway, because I gave additional entries for larger donations, I couldn’t just do a random draw from the comments. There were 57 entries for 12 people, which emphasizes your awesomeness. Instead, I put the entries into a spreadsheet and got a random number. And the winner is (sorry for the shitty quality):

Meno! Which is awesome because about 5 minutes after I posted my first entry (before the contest) about the March for Babies, she was on my walk page and making a donation. Congrats, meno. Email me with your info and I will get your prize out within the week.

Like I said, I'm sorry you all couldn't win, but thank you so much for helping with this great cause!

March for Maddie Giveaway

As I have already said, on March 9^th, I (along with the most excellent Burgh Moms and Dads) will be participating in the March of Dimes Pittsburgh March for Babies in memory of Madeline Spohr, who passed away on April 7th, 2009.

Originally, I was planning on having some giveaways during this month to celebrate my 5^th “blogiversary” (I already held one and the winner – Hedge – has requested that I substitute her prize with booze. A girl after my own heart. Plus –she’ll share.) However – in light of this tragic loss, I have decided to pool the prizes and do a raffle/giveaway to help raise money instead.

So for any donation of $5 to my walk page (click the button at the bottom), I will enter you into a drawing to win a Box ‘O Goodies. In that box will be:

* A $20 Victoria’s Secret gift card

* A $15 iTunes card

* A $15 Starbucks gift card

* A $25 Target gift card

Also, I will throw in:

* A dvd of the Sex and the City movie

* Assorted goodies to be determined after I pick the winner (so I can gear it towards the winner a little based on gender, location, etc) but will include at least one book, something yummy, something weird (because…duh), something kid-related if you have any, and who knows what else, but I’m good at gift baskets so fear not.

You will get one entry for every $5 you donate. So $10 gets you two entries, $15 gets you three, and so on.

Once you donate, please leave a comment here so I can figure out who is who (if you want to remain somewhat anonymous on the amount of your donation, you can comment here that you donated, and then email me to let me know who you are and the amount so I can give you the appropriate number of entries (sugarmag_at_live_dot_com). For those of you who have already donated (you know who you are and I love you – smooch!), I will enter you as well, but go ahead and comment here, so I have a reminder all in one place.

You don’t have to know me to enter. I don’t care if you’ve never commented before. I don’t care if you’ve never been here before. What I care about is doing the best we can to help a great cause. Because no one should ever go through what the Spohrs and so many other families have endured.

Although I love to give people stuff and usually die of anticipation before every birthday or holiday, I am going to drag this one out a little to give more folks a chance. I will keep it open until Saturday, April 25^th.

Help out if you can and feel free to pass this along.

THANKS!!

Need

OK – FINE! You have beaten me – No one is getting three songs. I swear, I thought it would be easy, since I'm a hippie chick, I have a song reference in my username and email, and since I have talked about artists I like. But turns out it wasn't so easy. I will probably just do a random pick for the iTunes winner. Unless someone guesses before i get around to doing it (I'm super busy at work right now) Dammit.

Because of the super busy, I am delving back into the archives. This was originally published in November 2007. I have been pretty open over the years, writing about my insecurities and failures, about heartbreak and marriage issues. I’ve shared embarrassing moments and been brutally honest about family problems. But strangely, this was by far the most difficult post for me to write and share.

What Does Need Look Like?

Back when I was living in the city and attending the most awesome church ever, I used to volunteer at the church's weekly meal for the homeless and less fortunate. I'd show up around 7:00 am and we'd start chopping, prepping and cooking. We generally served something simple - chili, stew, pasta. Anything that was inexpensive and could be stretched a long way.

We got a diverse crowd at these meals - some obviously homeless folks, veterans still struggling with what they had been through, lonely elderly men, addicts and alcoholics, mentally challenged people living on their own, and the hardest ones to see - families. It took everything I had not to cry when a toddler or young child would smile shyly and politely ask for "more milk, please?" I can't tell you how many times I'd have to turn away and blink back tears, knowing that my childhood was so very different than theirs. At that age, my biggest worry was if Teddy liked me (yes, no, or maybe so) or which of us was going to get to play Dorothy when we played Wizard of Oz at recess that day.

Anyway, occasionally we got people (mostly men for some reason) that didn't really look needy. I know - needy doesn't have a "look", but it's the best description I can give. One week, we had two men come in that fit this description - one older (maybe in his 50's) (also - this was years ago when I included 50's in the "older" category and not the "potential hot sex" category) and one younger. They may have been father and son, maybe just acquaintances. They were dressed pretty well, especially the younger man, in clean, neat clothes and a well-made jacket.

They were welcomed just as everyone else was - no one was questioned or turned away there and rightly so. But I overheard someone make mention of their "not needy-looking" appearance. It wasn't anyone working at the meal - everyone there felt the same about our guests. It was someone who was at the church for another reason. But when I heard their comment, it really bothered me. I mean, who are we to judge? What does "needy" look like? And does needy only mean financially needy? What about the lonely, the scared, the sad? Aren't they just as needy of our fellowship as the hungry were of our food? And yet, while part of me understood the person's comment, I also knew how ignorant it was. While I was never "needy", I had had an experience a few years before that made me feel judged and needy and humiliated because of it.

Back when I worked for the University and made a salary that I could never have lived on alone, mr b and I went through some pretty hard times. I was going to say that we were the epitome of "paycheck to paycheck", but that isn't exactly right, because the money never quite stretched from one paycheck to the next. Now, let me get this straight - I was never in any danger of losing my home or starving to death. I had family, mr b had family - if we were truly anywhere near that, they would have stepped in to help. Hell - they have helped us many times. But no one likes to ask for help. No one wants to admit that they aren't making it, that they are failing at life. I grew up being almost unable to ask for anything, so I was no exception.

So one month, things were really tight. My monthly paycheck wasn't due for a week (whopping $625 that it was), and mr b's small pay wasn't coming for a couple days, either. There was nothing in our account - in fact, we were overdrawn. This was a relatively common occurrence, given our paltry salaries and our rent, utilities, student loans and a pretty large IRS bill from an old business venture when mr b had to choose between paying his guys and paying his taxes - he chose right. Anyway, the money was gone, the food had run out the night before and we had long since started walking to work to avoid bus fare.

In the office where I worked, there was a small group of us that pitched in every month for a lottery fund. We played the big jackpots a couple of times a week and put any winnings back in the pot. The envelope was kept in one woman's desk (the territorial crazy-ass bitch - I have some stories about her for another day). Since there was usually more money in there than we generally needed for the lottery, it became a "bank" of sorts. If someone in the group had forgotten their lunch money or bus fare, they'd borrow from the pool and pay it back later. So, on that day, I was getting ready to leave (I was the last one in the office), and I was fretting about what we were going to have for dinner (and lunch and dinner the next day - I had already skipped breakfast and lunch that day) when I remembered the lottery pool. I checked the envelope and we had way more than we needed, so I borrowed five bucks. We had enough in there that if we divided it by the contributors, we'd have 10 dollars a piece, so technically, I didn't borrow anything more than – and actually less than - my own money.

I left work, walked to the store (no way was I wasting my $5 on bus fare), bought some ramen noodles and ground beef and walked home, feeling slightly relieved that I didn't have to skip eating the next couple days. I guess I should mention that we were out of checks and they were on re-order, because otherwise, I would have knowingly written a bad check. I mean - eating versus bouncing a check (as I said a common occurrence)? No contest.

The next day, as soon as I got into the office, I was called upstairs on a project, so I didn't see any of the other women when they came in. It wasn't until hours later when I caught up with my friend Toenail, she told me that Diana, the crazy-ass bitch was freaking out because someone had stolen our money. She came in and immediately checked the envelope (being a paranoid, territorial, crazy-ass bitch) and freaked out. No - that's not exactly true. She first assumed that someone had borrowed it, but when she asked the other women (completely unbothered by the thought of it) and they said no, she freaked out. They others said it was probably me, to calm down. But she hated me. So suddenly, what was perfectly OK when she assumed it was one of the others was thievery when it was me. She ranted and raved and screamed and cried (yes - she actually cried - she was really good at mustering up fake tears to suit her needs).

She went upstairs and cried and told everyone and anyone that I had broken into her desk and stolen her money. Before long, I was summoned in to the (world's worst) boss's office. I was interrogated and humiliated. I sat there before my anus of a boss and explained that we always borrowed from the fund and that it was never a problem. I explained that it was my money. I explained that the other women weren't upset at all - only dirty Diana (oh the stories I could tell about her). Still, he had heard the word "stolen" and that was as much as his tiny brain could handle. He wanted to know "why I did it", what I needed the money for. After explaining yet again that I didn't "do" anything, I told him the truth - I began to cry as I explained that we were out of money and out of food. He looked at me incredulously - as if he couldn't even comprehend being broke and hungry. He didn't feel any sympathy for me. He didn't care that his employee could not afford to eat on her salary. All he wanted to know was, "What can you get for five dollars?"

This made me cry harder. If he was intent on humiliating me, he was doing a fine job. I felt terrible. I was ashamed. Not of what I had "done", but of the fact that needed to do it. I was ashamed to have to explain to the man who once told me how cheap his airfare to Paris was and told me I should go (it was more than my entire monthly paycheck) that I had bought ramen fucking noodles just so I wouldn't go hungry for the next two days.

And why should I have been ashamed? I was working. I had gotten a college degree. I was earning a living. I was doing everything I could and it Just. Wasn't. Enough. Why should I be ashamed? Shouldn't society be ashamed? Shouldn't our government be ashamed? Shouldn't my fucking asshole boss be ashamed? Ashamed for not paying me enough to live on? Ashamed for judging and humiliating me for something that he was partially responsible for? And yet, I hung my head and cried and took the rest of the day off so I didn't have to face anyone. I walked out the back way so I wouldn't run into anyone. I had already seen Dirty Diana's satisfied, smug face and that was enough. I stopped in the bathroom on the way and threw up, so deep was my shame. I cried all night and most of the next day.

And you know what I was wearing? Clean, neat clothes and a well-made jacket. So you tell me - can anyone really say what "needy" looks like? I try to give and help whenever I can, and even if I can't? I'll never judge someone asking for help. I know how ashamed I felt that day, and I imagine it is hard and hurtful and humiliating for others to feel "needy". Believe me, no one is judging them as much as they are judging themselves. No one can imagine what they are going through. No one would put themselves though that feeling if they didn't feel it was their only option. And if they did? Then they are clearly in need of something, if not food or money. And I for one, won't deny them.

Pick Three - A Giveaway

Updated: No winners yet, so check the comments for some hints.

In less than 2 weeks, it will be my five year blogiversary (I started off at diaryland way back in April 2004), so I have decided to celebrate. I will probably share some of my favorite entries over the past five years and pretend that it’s not just laziness keeping me from writing something original. And I’ll justify it by telling myself that most of my current readers didn’t know me way back when, so it actually is original. So there.

But I’ll make it up to you with five giveaways – one for each year. And I think I will add a little to each giveaway (but don’t get too excited – there won’t be any laptops or iPods here – I’m no Pioneer Woman. Still – free stuff is free stuff) . C’mon – it’ll be fun!

The first prize is a $15 iTunes gift card, which will go to the first person who can name three songs that are on my iPod (yes, I’m making you work for it – I get so little pleasure these days – humor me). You can guess more than once, and I’ll keep it open until someone gets it.

The rules: the songs must be by different artists and can’t be any of the songs I list below.

Hints: I have varied tastes in music, though I am not a big fan of current R&B or rap. And I’m not a jazz fan. Otherwise, I have stuff on there from current albums and from 4 decades ago.

Anyway, since today’s prize is about music, I’ve decided to do a music meme. The “Pick Three” music meme.

And also – I need to point out the fact that many of these are old, since I am so entirely out of touch with today’s music.

Song(s) That I Loathe to the Core of My Being

* Cherish – Remember that song? I don’t know who it is by 0- I think of them as “the miserable, evil fuckers are who tried to kill me with it”. All these years later, it makes me want to stab someone.

* Viva la Vida – I like Coldplay well enough, but I find this song entirely annoying.

* The horror that is Carrie Underwood’s version of Home Sweet Home. Stabby!

Musical Artist(s) That I Loathe to the Core of My Being

*post-80s Madonna

*Shania Twain

*Michael McDonald. Never liked him, but 40 Year Old Virgin and Taylor Hicks cemented it.

Rolling Stones Song(s) I Love

(I’m not a huge Stones fan, so there’s only about 3 that I really like. . .)

* Wild Horses

* Angie

* Not Fade Away

Beatles Song(s) I Love

(How could I possibly narrow this down to only 3?)

* While My Guitar Gently Weeps

* She Came In Through the Bathroom Window

* Rocky Raccoon (this one was the boy’s favorite song when he was 3)

Who Song(s) I Love

* The Kids Are Alright

*Squeezebox

*Long Live Rock

Reggae Song(s) I Love

* Three Little Birds - Bob Marley

* Redemption Song - Bob Marley

* Is This Love - yep - him again

Country Song(s) I Love

(Gah - I’ll stick to the older or less mainstream, since I couldn’t narrow the new stuff. And it’s still impossible.)

* Lay You Down - Conway Twitty. No – Hello Darlin. No. I don’t know.

* Seminole Wind - John Anderson

* Luckenbach Texas - Waylon Jennings

Movie Soundtrack(s) I Love

* Oh Brother Where Art Thou

* Dirty Dancing

* Pretty In Pink

Musical Soundtrack(s) I Love

* The Civil War (The Nashville Sessions)

* Man of la Mancha (because I was in it in High School and know all the words. Plus I had sex for the first time with one 18 year old Mr. Don Miguel de Cervantes/Quixote himself, so it holds special memories for me)

* Beauty and the Beast (this may be cheating since it was a movie first, but damn it –I love it)

Cover Song(s) I Love

* Shameless by Billy Joel (cover by Garth Brooks – my wedding song)

* When You Say Nothing At All by Keith Whitley (Alison Krauss cover)

* Crazy by Willie Nelson (cover by Patsy Cline)

Contemporary Top-40 Artist(s) I Secretly Love

* Love is really too strong a word. . .

* Because I can’t think of one I love

* But then, maybe I am being too narrow in my definition, because all I think of is Britney Spears and Mariah Carey and Celine Dion and then I puke. And get stabby.

Song(s) That Bring Me to Tears

* He Stopped Loving Her Today - George Jones

* The Dance - Garth Brooks

* Where’ve you been – Cathy Mattea (I actually have to turn this one off sometimes because it leaves me a sobby mess)

Song(s) That Make Me Shake My Ass

* Smooth - Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas

* La Bamba - Ritchie Valens/Los Lobos

* Shakedown Street - Grateful Dead

Classical Composer(s) I Love

* Mozart

* Chopin

* Vivaldi

Rap/Hip-Hop Song(s) I Love

* Rappers Delight - Sugar Hill Gang (Old, old me. . .)

* I’m sure there are more, but I’ll be damned if I could name them

* Does Word Up count as rap? (God, I’m old)

70s Disco Song(s) I Love

Man- I love disco – I can’t narrow it down. Other than everything by Earth Wind and Fire:

* I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor

* Last Dance - Donna Summer

* Dancing Queen – ABBA

and eleventy five others (have I mentioned how old I am?)

70s Supergroup Song(s) I Love

* Lovin’ Touchin’ Squeezin’ - Journey (I love all Journey songs, actually)

* Dazed and Confused - Led Zeppelin

* Best of Times - Styx

Metal Song(s) I Love

* I haven’t loved metal since the 80s and I’m getting tired of thinking, so suck it, music meme

New Wave Song(s) I Love

(Do these count? Because they were “new wave” in the 80’s. I checked, though and they’re on “new wave” compilation albums, anyway, so I am using them)

* Melt with You - Modern English

* Safety Dance - Men without Hats

* Hungry like the Wolf - Duran Duran

Soul/R&B Song(s) I Love

I only rally like the old stuff (again with the old)

* Midnight Train to Georgia - Gladys Knight

* Me and Mrs. Jones - Billy Paul

* Kiss and Say Goodbye - Manhattans

Power Ballad(s) I Love

This is another hard one to narrow down, because power ballads are all about the 80’s and being an angsty teen I the 80’s, I loved this shit.

* Mama, I’m Coming Home - Ozzy

* I Wanna Know What Love Is - Foreigner

* Keep on Loving You – REO Speedwagon

Pre Rock and Rock Era Songs I Love

* Run Around Sue (this one because it reminds me of Tammy. It might not exactly be PRE-rock, but it’s close enough)

* In the Mood - Glenn Miller

* Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy - Andrew Sisters

Punk Song(s) I Love

* London Caling – The Clash

* I Wanna Be Sedated – Ramones

* Anarchy in the UK – Sex Pistols

Singer/Songwriter Song(s) I Love

* Rocky Mountain High - John Denver

* River - Natalie Merchant

* Positively 4th Street - Bob Dylan

MTV Video(s) I Love

(hello - I show my age by merely admitting that have ever seen a video on MTV. I guess I should just say Video Killed the Radio Star and call it a day)

* Take on Me - Aha

* Drive - The Cars

* Keep Your Hands to Yourself - Georgia Satellites (I know - no big special effects or anything, but they just looked like they were having so much find riding around in the back of that truck)

“None of the Above” Songs I Love

* Row Jimmy - Grateful Dead – My all-time favorite Dead song.

* Hillbilly Deluxe - Brooks (my sexy future husband) and Dunn (it’s not really a “none of the above”, but I don’t care. We’re talking about my future husband here and if I want to include him again, I can)

* Primal Scream – Rusted Root

Guilty Pleasures

* Eh - haven’t I embarrassed myself enough already?

Songs to Have A Little Fun (*ahem*) To

* Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd (ahh, this one takes me back to college and my favorite One That Got Away. The one I always hope I’ll see again and yet sort of hope I’ll never see again, because I don’t know what my reaction would be)

*I don’t know – if I have enough alcohol, any song can be one

* But I can tell you which song is not good, and that would be the song that was playing just as I was about to have sex for the very first time – Relax, by Frankie Goes to Hollywood (lyrics: “Relax, don’t do it, when you want to go to it, relax don't do it, when you want to come”). Not very romantic. I told Frankie to suck it and did it anyway.

Planet Earth Winner

OK, so the odds on this one were pretty damned good, since there were only three of you. And my good friend, random number generator says:



That Chris is the winner! Chris - email me with your address and I will get your prize out to you. Congrats!

Another Winner

Don't forget - there's still plenty of time to enter the Planet Earth DVD contest. I'll be adding a new contest post later this week.

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Look at me here all bright and early! What's up with that? I don't know, but it may have something to do with not avoiding work and not wanting to think about getting the girl ready and picking up her friend and driving to pre-school and running the gauntlet of snotty moms. yeah - that's probably it.

Anyway, I have a winner for the Valentine-y prize, and randomizer tells me:



It's Tanyetta!

So, Tanyetta, email me your address at sugarmag(at)live(dot)com and I will get your prize out this week. Congrats!

Friday 5: Lucky (and more pretending it's still Christmas)

First off - don't forget to enter the giveaway for the Coldstone Creamery contest. It's open until Saturday. And there's a new one today.

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1. Among people you know, who seems to be lucky in love?

Holy shit, I can’t think of anyone – how sad is that. I mean, I know people who seem happy, but most of my friends and relatives are – while not necessarily unhappy – basically just OK. I don’t think I know anyone (well) who is ,wildly happy and in love. I figure it’s partly because we, as women, tend to vent with each other, so we hear about the crappy stuff a lot. And also because I am really jaded.



2. Among people you know, who seems to be lucky with money?

Again – hahahahahahahahahahaha!



3. Among people you know, who’s lucky to be alive?

Mr. B, without a doubt. For those of you who didn’t know me back when, in August of 2004, mr b was in an accident on the job. He fell off a roof and shattered both heels. There were surgeries and lots of rehab and way too long a stay in a nursing home and hospital beds and portable toilets and months of wheelchair confinement, and a period of time where he couldn’t even ride in a car (and thank god for some friends who owned a wheelchair fitted van), and depression, and me all alone with an infant and a young child, and crutches and walkers and canes. And it was awful. Here’s some of what I wrote about it back then:

“5 Seconds. That's about how long it took from the shift of the plywood and the man on the ground. He was squatting on a steep roof, putting down the plywood and he simply started sliding. There was no fault, no trip, no loss of balance, just a sudden sense of movement and he was going over. He fell straight down and landed square on his feet. He's lucky not to be paralyzed. He's lucky to be alive. I'm lucky. But it still sucks. Gravity worked and he fell and things changed.”

So that pretty much answers that.



4. Among people you know, who seems to have the worst luck?

Any of my sisters-in-law will do – go ahead, pick one. Those poor women have all been through the wringer at times.



5. What kinds of good-luck charms do you own or carry?

None – I’m not particularly superstitious. Although I used to consider myself pretty lucky. I have won quite a few radio contests and a few big raffles when I was a kid. But that luck seems to have burned itself completely out now.


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OK, today's giveaway is for the girls - the little ones, that is. Just in time for Valentine's Day, I have an assortment of Valentine stickers, crafts, , some Valentine colored bath confetti and sparkly little notebooks, as well as a tiny High School Musical keyboard and a couple of princess crafts.

Leave me a comment and tell me if you are a Valentine's Day celebrator, or if - like me - you couldn't give a particular shit.

I'll keep it open until Monday.

We Have Our Winners!

OK, so I did my drawing early this morning, but I am just getting around to posting about it.

Anyway, first up is Brisingr:


(I have no idea why the "random.org" didn't show up in that image)

And the winner is... I am a Tornado!



Next up is Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix:



And the winner is... Bethtastic!



Finally, we have Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince:



And the winner is... juliloquy!



I also did a random drawing for which book would have the Cheesecake Factory gift card inside, but I am not telling you which one it is. I like surprises, so you'll have to wait until you get your books to find out. it's like the geeky book cheesecake lottery!


Ladies, please email me your mailing addresses so I can get these out to you!

Calling All Geeks: Completely Geeky - Though Dated - Giveaway. Plus Cheesecake!

OK, so I’m jumping on the giveaway bandwagon, but in the interest of full disclosure while you may get something free from me, you will be helping me by getting rid of some clutter in my life.

A few months ago, I pre-ordered Brisingr (yes, I am that much of a geek). When it was delivered, there were two boxes addressed to me. One had Brisingr and the other had three books: Brisingr, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, and Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I immediately called the company and they basically did not care. I asked them if they wanted to know whose name and invoice number was on the slip in the box (no) because I figured they would want to get this person his order ASAP, since he clearly is a big geek like me and pre-ordered his geek book and most likely would be waiting for it.

Are you sure you don’t want the info? (no). What to do with the books (don’t care). Don't you even want my name? (no). But what about…? (no) Well then shouldn’t I…? (no) But don’t you think…? (don’t! care!)

After about 10 minutes of this, I insisted that they send me return shipping and they agreed. Weeks passed, no label. I called back. They’d send it. More weeks. More nothing. It’s now been 2 months and I no longer give a shit. Surely, my poor fellow geek has long since complained and received his order. And since the company doesn’t seem to care, then I am making the executive geek decision to pass long this little windfall to a fellow geek (albeit one who has somehow missed a couple of books that everyone has already read).

So, have you been dying to read any of these books, but haven’t had the chance? Have you borrowed them from the library, but would love to own them? Do you have kids that have just started reading the Harry Potter series and haven’t gotten to numbers five and six yet? Are you wondering what the hell Brisingr is all about and just how much of a geeky teenage boy is Gina, anyway? Then this is the contest for you.

The Harry Potter books are nice paperbacks and Brisingr (the third and latest book in the Inheritance no-longer-a-Trilogy. Or if you have no idea what Inheritance Trilogy means: blah blah geekity geek dragons geeker elves geeky blah geek dwarves geekatron blah blah swordfights)

All you need to do is leave me a comment and tell me which book you want. You can name one two or all three, and I’ll do a drawing for each.

And for a little incentive, I’m going to randomly choose one of the books to slide a $25 gift certificate to The Cheesecake Factory in. But I won’t tell which book – you’ll have to wait until you get yours to find out. It's a big, geeky, cheesecake lottery! And if there is only one person out there as geeky as me, then baby, it’s your lucky day, since you can win more than one!

I’ll keep it open until Tuesday evening, so I can get to the post office Wednesday when I am out of the office.

Oh, and also? I keep typing "Harry Pooter" Hee.

We Have a Winner!

Well, it was pretty close – with almost everyone getting 16 correct. One person got 17 and one got 12. But then Allison came along and blew everyone away with 21 correct! So Allison – email me your address and give me a couple of days (I waited to get a couple things until I knew who won) to get it out to you.

Thanks to everyone who entered – you guys are great and to those of you who I didn’t know before - you all have a brand new reader. And Amy – the fact that you did it wrong the first time cracked me up, because I would totally do something like that.

So here goes:

1. I competed on a men’s sports team.

True. When I went to college, I joined the swim team as a diver. What I didn’t know was that there was no women’s team, only a women’s “club”. I found this out at my first meet – an invitational of seven teams – as I noticed I was the only girl getting suited up. Since there weren’t the maximum of male divers on the team, I was allowed to compete any time we had a meet with a school without a women’s club or team.

2. I attended three different colleges before graduating.

True. My first was a small private school, which my parents thought was very nice and peaceful and instead was a wild party. I lasted 2 years, but had to go. Next, I went tpo a branch campus of Penn State, with the intention of heading to main campus the next semester. This didn’t happen, since I had a boyfriend and wanted to stay nearby. I ended up at Pitt instead. And the boyfriend was an asshole and long gone before I even got to Pitt. This was the only time I ever made a decision based o a boyfriend. I still kick myself.

3. I speak fluent French.

Non. I took four years in high school and four semesters in college and I am still not even close to fluent. I spoke it well enough to make my way around Paris, and I got an A in a college course where you only spoke French and the tests were conversations. But still I was panicked every minute and never fluent. And now - forget it. I do remember a little and the sounds of Mme. West yelling “Fermez les bouches!” still rings in my ears.

4. I had a job showing photographs to pigeons.

True. I did an independent study in college on stimulus equivalence and I spent hours a day putting pigeons in a box and showing them a slide show. It was an awesome job.

5. I've never gotten a speeding ticket.

False. But I haven’t gotten one in a long time (knock on wood).

6. I have a photo on my desk of me and Barry Manilow.

I wish. I’m a borderline Fanilow, but all I have is a photo of me with a B-Man impersonator.

7. I once got a fishing hook through my nipple and had to have it cut out.

False (barely). I was fishing with friends and wearing a tiny black bikini trimmed in red and yellow. And somehow a feathered red and yellow lure ended up going right through my suit at nipple level. It cut me a little, but no real damage was done, except for the embarrassment of walking across campus with what looked like a stripper tassel on visitor’s day.

8. I did psychedelics as part of an experiment.

True. A good friend of mine was a philosophy major and a professor of his was very interested in the effects of psychedelics on spirituality (she used to go to Rainbow gatherings and study people), so we hung out with her for the day while she asked us questions about God and stuff.

9. I made out with Eddie Money.

False. But when I was a freshman, he did a show on campus and a girl on my hall did. And she was obviously expecting everyone to be impressed because he was famous, but instead we were grossed out because he was old and disgusting.

10. I won an ice cream eating contest.

False. I got second place in a no hands sundae eating contest (The girls ate and the guy partner could help by moving the dish around – this was some sort of sorority/fraternity charity thing), but only because the winners cheated. For some reason, there were costumes and my partner and I were dressed as 1930s gangsters.

11. I was second in my graduating class.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. False.

12. I got a leech on me while on acid and lost my shit.

False – this happened to a friend, though. I played with a highlighter and a black light while he took a panicked 2 hour shower.

13. I once got bitten by a big-ass monkey.

False. But it sounded like something that would happen to me though, didn’t it? I did get bitten by a big-ass snake once. It hurt and I grabbed the snake and threw it. It was BIG-ASS.

14. I started talking at 6 months.

True. And I haven’t shut up since. 60% of the time since then, I have been on the phone with Hedge.

15. I once shaved my head.

False. But I probably would have is the situation ever arose. I have never been afraid of doing weird thing with my hair. Once at a party a guy shaved a small piece from the base of my hair and used it to make a roach clip. I ended up with it and lost it years later at a Dead Show.

16. There are photos of me in a medical journal.

True – I was at eye and ear hospital for a routine exam and had some weird discoloration on my corneas. Eleventeen excited doctors and a jabillion questions later (have you ever been exposed to mercury? Have you ingested any heavy metals?) I was photographed and published.

17. I have a tattoo of Mickey Mouse.

False. I have no tattoos. But I do love Mickey. A few years back, I planned on a dancing bear tattoo, but never got it. Now, it would be my kids names. Only if I lose a bunch of weight will I get it.

18. I had to be escorted to my car after being racially harassed in a bar.

True. A psychopath came on to me and when I turned him down, started calling me a ni@@er-lover and screaming at me (I was there with a friend who is black) and threatening to follow me home and “fix my ass”.

19. My diving career ended when my friend threw me in a pile of broken glass.

True. We were partying in a friend’s room and throwing our beer bottles into a garbage can and missing. And when I leaned over the edge of the loft, a friend shoved me off and I landed foot down in the broken glass. It kept me out for the rest of the season. I left before the sext year started and didn’t bother joining at Pitt because while I was good for a small school, a state team would have laughed my ass right out of there.

20. I was mugged by a gang of teenagers.

True. The little fuckers (six of them) jumped a friend and me, physically assaulted us and stole our wallets. And then the fake-ass campus police came along, represented themselves as real police, chased tem off without doing anything to them, and then drove us home and treated us like shit because we had been drinking. I called up the police to complain and found out that they were kampus kops, and boy did I stir up some shit.

21. With 6 months to go, mr b and I decided to scrap the wedding plans and get married in Vegas.

False. I had a huge wedding. Mr b and I both have humongous families and had a big, crazy party of a wedding. I don’t even want to tell you how many guests we had.

22. I failed high school trigonometry.

False. How dumb do you think I am???? I got a D.

23. I once got a bowling ball stuck on my thumb for three hours.

True. I have big thumbs – what can I say? It took hours of maneuvering and lots of tools and oil to get it off. Then my thumb swelled to the size of a carp.

24. I once told a priest to suck it.

True. He was a dick.

25. I have traveled across the country to see the Grateful Dead.

False. But man, I wanted to. My parents would never had let me. . I went as far as Ohio and Virginia, because I could do that on the QT.

26. I have visible needle marks on my arms.

True. No – I was never a junkie, but I give blood as often as possible. And then years ago I worked for the blood bank and discovered platelet donation. One (large) needle in each arm for two hours. I did it once a week for many years. I still do it, but only about once a month or so. (PSA – look into it – it’s important. It takes 8 regular blood donations to get the platelets from one platelet donation, and it is needed. And despite the two needles, it doesn’t hurt. As a bonus, you get to watch a movie – without kids – and you lat in a comfortable recliner – it’s heaven)

27. I had a mullet.

True. I was in ninth grade. Though in those days, we didn’t call it a mullet, wer called it, “getting your ears cut out.”

28. My middle name is Michael.

False. It’s Marie. But I always liked Michael for a girl.

29. I was suspended from school several times.

True. I was a class clown and some teachers didn’t appreciate my humor. Also – once I drank myself into a tree on a ski trip.

30. I was once run over by a chariot.

True. During Greek Week. I ended up on crutches and the athletic trainer was pissed at me.

31. I have a platinum record.

True. I never said I recorded it. But I won a radio contest to be Gary Allen’s assistant for the day and they sent me a platinum record award with an engraved plaque just for me.

32. I am really good at canoeing.

True. I actually took a class in the dead of winter and the last thing you want to do is fall I the lake in winter, so I paid attention and learned. The first time mr b and I went together, he didn’t believe I was as good as I said until I blew him out of the water.

33. I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

False. What kind of person do you think I am? I wouldn’t kill someone just to watch them die. I had a good reason. And it was in Pittsburgh.