Monday, December 8, 2008

Christmas Music

Don't forget - my geeky giveaway is still going on!

Things I've learned from listening to the All Christmas Music All the Time channel:

- When it comes to the standards, the originals are almost always the best. No on can rock around the Christmas Tree like Brenda Lee, Gene Autry is the only one I want to hear sing Rudolph, and no matter what an asshole he purportedly was, Bing Crosby simply IS White Christmas.

- Occasionally, though, the remakes are better. Willie Nelson made Pretty Paper.

- There are so many, many ways to fuck up Silent Night.

- To wit: Christine Aguilera has a set of pipes, but someone needs to explain to her that "peace" does not have 17 syllables.

- I don't like my Christmas songs to be fucked with very much. Jazz them up, rock them out, whatever, but don't fuck with the basic song in ways that make them un-sing-along-able. And Christmas songs are made for singing along.

- Medleys suck. While we're on the topic of singing along, it sucks when you're just about to rock out the second verse of O Come All Ye Faithful, and suddenly you're in the Little Town of Bethlehem and thinking, "Did I just black out?"

- Hard Candy Christmas is seriously underrated.

- So is Fum, Fum Fum.

- With a few exceptions, the awesomeness of the 80s did not carry over into Christmas Music.

- Even at Christmas, the entire concept of John Tesh makes me want to vomit.

- Suzy snowflake is what second graders sing in music class. It does not belong on the radio. Ever.

- Merry Christmas from the Family sounds more like my family every year.

- No matter how much eggnog* I drink, I still think Bruce Springsteen sucks. Santa Claus is coming to town sounds like something your chain-smoking drunk uncle forgot the words to. (*OK, rum and coke. But in a festive holiday glass.)

- Santa Looked a Lot Like Daddy makes me nervous when the girl is listening. Because I'm crazy and I don't have enough ridiculous shit to worry about.

- Synthesizers + Christmas music = Baby Jesus Crying

- Please - no more barking damned dogs (though when I was a kid, they had a version of it with laughing and it was infectious).

- Vince Guaraldi? Genius. So pretty and nostalgic.

- And on the Peanuts topic, Snoopy's Christmas is pretty cool, too.

- And of course all the Grinch music. I mean, anytime one can work "three decker toadstool and sauerkraut sandwich with arsenic sauce" into a song - I'm in.

- You can't go wrong with Dominick the Donkey.

- Embarrassingly enough, I'm still a sucker for the chipmunks.

- Madonna is no Eartha Kitt. Neither are the rest of the skanks who have tried, and failed, to do Santa Baby justice.

- Who the fuck wants a hippopotamus for Christmas? What, are they on crack? Hippos kill motherfuckers! You do not want a hippo!

- Angels among us isn't really a Christmas song, but I love it anyway.

- I really HATE the songs about poor little street urchins who are starving and Jesus disguised as a homeless person and God help me, if I hear Christmas shoes one more time, I'm going to hunt down the person who wrote it and run them down with my sleigh. Then beat them with those fucking shoes. Just in case they meet Jesus tonight.

Stumble Upon Toolbar


Sarah said...

I want a hippo for Christmas! That's the BEST song. The best for irritating your husband by insisting the volume be turned up when it comes on so you can sing along even louder.
"Mom says a hippo would eat me up but then / Teacher says the hippo is a vegetarian!"

JenniferC said...

Thank you for articulating that so I didn't have to. I literally choked on my coffee as I nodded and giggled my way down your list. :-)

I DO have to admit a secret love of the hippo song, though. It's so bad it's good...

Tara said...

Ok. First - "Merry Christmas from the Family" can NOT be your family, because its mine. Unless we're related. And we are from the same hick county, so that is entirely possible.

Second, high five sister! I should not read your posts at work ;-)

Anonymous said...

My husband loves dominick the donkey.

Love the list. I am afraid to use iTunes or the radio for Christmas music. Some of these, I haven't even heard of (i.e. Merry Christmas from the family, Christmas Shoes). Now I am even more afraid.


Stacy said...

Because I am a giant ass and can't keep up with virtual life because real life sucks donkey balls...I am just now reading this and must say I miss you. But really I have to say that Jack Johnson has a wonderful version of Rudolph that makes my heart melty and happy =) Also, Christmas Shoes makes me want to take that foam filler at the hardware store and fill my ears up so I NEVER have to hear that bull again.