Monday, June 29, 2009

10 Horrible Secret Confessions

OK, because Swistle pointed out that I didn’t post any horrible secret confessions in my 10 honest things post, I’m going to do just that right now.

1. I say that I like kids, and kids are great, and all kids are cute, but I have to admit that I find some kids unattractive. I know people whose kids’ photos I don’t even want to look at because yikes I know - I am an asshole. note: not YOUR kids. Your kids are gorgeous!

2. Speaking of kids and assholes, I think a lot of kids are assholes. And I dream about punching them in the face. Don’t get me wrong – I would never do it – I save my face-punching for crackwhores (remind me to post the crackwhore-punching story here for my newest readers).

3. More than once, I was a self-satisfied bitch of a boyfriend-stealer. Although, in the interest of full-disclosure, the first time I did it, I didn’t actually get around to the stealing. I simply reveled in the...um…doing stuff…and not even hiding it. I once gave him hickeys just to put my mark on him. In my defense, she pulled some shady shit to get him off me in the first place. The second time, I really loved him and it turned into something. In fact, he’s my “what if” guy.

4. I am terrible with finances. Terrible. Embarrassingly, horrifyingly terrible.

5. I like to rant and rave about discrimination, but I have to be honest in that I have a bit of a judgy chip on my shoulder when it comes to certain religions. I would never treat someone differently because of it (because I do hate discrimination), but I scoff regularly.

6. I once stole. That’s all I can say because it still fills me with shame.

7. And speaking of shame, many, many years ago, I drove drunk. More than once. But then I grew a fucking clue. I hate drunk drivers, and it pains me to know that people do it. I know people who do it. And even though they are people I love, it makes me sick and makes me think much less of them. If I were around to witness it, I would probably call the police on them. Maybe it makes me a hypocrite, since I was in those shoes years ago. But I was an asshole and would have deserved the same. It’s no excuse, but I was young and stupid. But knowing grown ass people – with kids no less – who don’t see the danger in it pisses me off. I used to have a friend who once told me they drove their giant asshole-kill-the-planet-mobile when they went out drinking so if they wrecked, they would be safer. She’s not my friend anymore.

8. I know someone who illegally uses a handicapped placard and I plan on stealing it.

9. I am often irrational. Every single day, I have to fight the urge to throw something. Or run down some asshole in Hazelwood crossing the street slooooooowly in the middle of traffic and giving me a “just go ahead” look. And I use my horn. A lot.

10. I am having a hard time giving a shit about Michael Jackson (which will be my next post). I’m sick of hearing about it. I think the local memorials and services are stupid. And I told my cousin she was an ass for saying she felt the “global sadness.” I feel bad about Billy Mays, though.

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12 comments:

Swistle said...

Love this. LOVE.

Kim said...

I was so depressed until I read your post (because of course I don't want to be depressed on MY blog, right? Must stay funny and cheerful, even when I feel anything but). Your honesty is refreshing... I hope it felt good to get all of that out. Maybe one day I will be brave enough to do it-- I doubt it, though. Too chickenshit.
P.S. I got so much shit for not praising MJ! And I miss Billy Mays too!

Allison Says said...

Awe.Some. list.

I judge people based on their religion, but I try to keep an open mind. And by "keep an open mind" I mean: ignore it. I don't bring it up, and I basically pretend that they have no religion.

Some kids are ugly. It's true.

I drive after two drinks, but will never drive after more than that. And that's assuming that it is over some time, not like WAM BAM two drinks.

Again, awesome list.

Gwen said...

Beautiful. I feel the same way about kids. And I have driven drunk in the past. Not lately, but I feel like an ass for ever having done it. hmmm...what else. I do care that MJ is dead but not to a degree where it's effecting my functioning or something. I know people who CRIED. What the fuck is that about? I have a hard time scoffing about religions, but that's only because I used to be a Jehovah's Witness. It wasn't my fault I was brainwashed from the time I was 5 years old. I'm lucky that I was able to get out and forge a semi-normal. I still carry the emotional scars. I feel sorry for ultra-religious people in any denomination. I've never stolen a boyfriend but I have wanted to and would have but I wasn't the type of girl that guy's left their girlfriends for. I'm also irrational. But I kind of like that about me. In a nutshell, I think that you and I are kindred spirits. You complete me.

alesspazzlyn said...

My thoughts exactly on number 10.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock said...

I never wanted to admit it to anyone but I thought one of my nieces was scary looking as a baby. I still can't look at her baby pictures without grimmacing. I know, I'm terrible. And ever since I had my first child three months ago I've always been paranoid that people are really thinking, "Oh my LAWD that child was hit over the head with the ugly stick!"

I shed a tear (only one, though) when the Crocodile Hunter died. Not Michael Jackson. I admit that I was more distraught over Billy Mays too. Now all we've got is that Sham-Wow guy. *sigh*

Bethtastic said...

HA! Love it.

A very good friend of mine had a baby and I thought, ew. Srsly. I'm so mean.

I'm crazy judgemental. It's an ugly characteristic that I have to work to keep in check. I don't like that about me.

My high school best friend's boyfriend and she broke up. Then he asked me to prom. And I went. I still feel a little guilty about it. We didn't even date. We just went to prom together. But still.

I'm completley self-disclosing. Very few secrets here. I think you can add that to your list of honest things...and I LOVE that about you.

Thanks Gina!

Bethtastic said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
PSU Mom said...

1 yes, 2 yes, 4 and 5 oh my h*ll yes! 10 I'm going to have to plead guilty. Sorry.

Oh and I have a theory for you. Your Grandmother is going to be 90? My grandfather turned 96 last week. You are, therefore, not older than me. ;)

meno said...

I hate how when someone dies, they are instantly the most wonderful popular person EVER!

I actually heard a quote from his dad saying that he loved kids. I laughed out loud.

I never stole anyone's bf, but maybe i will someday.

Gina said...

I'm so glad you guys are with me on the ugly, asshole kids! Princess Consuela - I love it that you felt like that about a relative!

Kim - I have been getting shit, too for my views on MJ. Fuck 'em!

Allison - I will have a beer or two if I am driving - but like you said - spread out. But the folks I am talking about are trashed and then drive.

Gwen - we are totally kindred spirits. And it's not religion in general, but the hypocrites. I have so many close to me.

PSU Mom -I'll take it - anything to pretend I'm younger!

meno - there is still time to steal a boyfriend. Maybe the next time you visit Em at school?

Tanyetta said...

Kids are ASSHOLES!!!!!

LOL

I love it.