Friday, June 5, 2009

The Most Fun I Had All Week

Ring Ring


May I speak to Gina?

This is Gina.

Hi Gina, My name is James and I am calling from Idiots Believe This Is Real Sweepstakes and I am calling to let you know that you have been entered in our Dreams Come True contest and…

Is this Disney?

No, as I said, I am with Idiots Believe This Is Real Sweepstakes and I am calling to let you know that you have been entered in our Dreams Come True contest, where someone will win…

You know, Disney might get mad about the Dreams Come True thing.

Um, well our sweepstakes is for $25,000 and we wanted to tell you the good news…

I WON??? Oh my God, I can’t believe this!! I’m going to Disney World!

No, ma’am, I’m sorry, you didn’t win yet, but you might. We have you entered…

David. Did you say your name was David?

Nom ma’am, it’s…

OK, David, see – you should probably stop telling people that there is good news in the same breath as $25,000 dollars.

I’m sorry ma’am. But the goods news is that you will be receiving a diamond watch and several magazines for free for 60 months!

Wow, that IS good news. What magazines?

We’ll start off with Cooking Country, and Cosmopolitan, and then you can add or change magazines any time by calling our 800 number. You just need…

Do you have guns and ammo?

I’m not sure, but we’ll be sending…

Taxidermy weekly?

As I said…

Oooo – what about Cat Fancy? I love Cat Fancy!

I’m sorry, Gina, I’m not sure which magazines we have but we will send you a large catalog that you can look for all your favorites in…

I hope there’s Cat Fancy.

So you like animals?

Not really.

Um…OK…Now I’d like to ask you a few short survey questions, Gina.

Sure, David.

What do you like to do for hobbies?

I like to read.

Great – what do you normally read?

Cat Fancy.

OK, magazines.

Do you like the outdoors – do you ever go camping?


Do you watch sports?


What sports do you watch?

Football and hockey.

What is your favorite football team?

The Steelers.

Really? Me too! I love the Steelers.

Wow! That’s awesome, David! You’re smart. I’m a huge fan. I know practically everything about the Steelers.

Me too. Do you remember Jerome Bettis?


Jerome Bettis.

Doesn’t ring a bell.

You know – he played for the Steelers. Took them to the Superbowl? He’s a sportscaster now?


They called him The Bus?

You mean The Refrigerator?

No – The Bus.

David, you must be getting confused.

Um…OK. Uh, anyway, do you like to exercise?

Hell no.

And do you like to shop? Haha – what woman doesn’t like to shop, right?

What?? That’s sexist!!

What? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…

David, I can’t believe you’d let me down this way after all we’ve been through. It’s OVER, David!


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Jennifer said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! You are awesome.

Tara said...

HAHAHAH! I nearly choked on my coffee - that is GREAT! How do you think on your feet like that?

(And you know that watch wasn't diamonds, it was 100% genuine diamels, right??)

Anonymous said...

I am forwarding all my telemarketing calls to you!

Or, I'm just going to let Bun start answering the phone. That'll be good for a laugh, right?


spoon said...

i'm crying over here. this is fan freakin tastic

Burgh Baby said...

Will you marry me?

the planet of janet said...

oh. my. GAWD. it hurts. the laughing. bwahahahaahahahahahahaha

Karen said...

You're my hero. I'll have to start having my kids call and read recorded scrips so that I can practice your technique.

Schmutzie said...

You are being featured on Five Star Friday!

meno said...

Fucking with telephone solicitors is one of life's great joys.

Nice job!

Karly said...

Gina, dear, have I told you lately how much I love you? Because I do. So very much. Are you going to BlogHer? Please say yes.

Uncle Crappy said...

I just read this to Mrs. Crappy. You made her laugh so hard her face hurt (I did the same thing).

Swistle said...

OMG. So funny.