Friday, April 6, 2012

Ridiculous Things That Piss Me Off

Sunday night, I tweeted that every Sunday about 7:30, I start getting pissed off because my weekend is over. Then, on the way home from work, I found myself getting pissed about some other insignificant thing and I realized that I get pissed about quite a few ridiculous things. Not irritated or disgusted or sad – but mad – pissed off.

Sunday nights: As I said, I get pissed on Sunday evenings because my weekend is over. I don’t mean that I’m bummed or sad – I mean pissed. I actually get mad at Sunday night. For existing. I imagine I am a delight to live with.

Dole Whip being the wrong flavor: OK, I am a big, HUGE Dole Whip addict. Dole Whip is non-dairy soft-serve in fruit flavors. I love it because it is delicious and also non-dairy. And it’s sold in Walt Disney World, so I associate it with my happy place. But I only like the pineapple. Well, that’s not true, exactly – I like all the flavors (mango, strawberry, raspberry, etc) well enough, but I don’t really care about them one way or another – I only have eyes for the pineapple. And when I stop at one of the only two places around that carry it and they are serving any flavor other than pineapple, I get pissed. I get indignant that anyone would even consider having a flavor other than pineapple.

Internet Explorer: It makes me crazy when I see someone using IE. Actual, pissed off crazy.

Toilet Paper being the wrong way: Yes there is a right way and it is OVER, nut under. And if I find it under (even outside my own home), it pisses me off and I can’t believe that anyone could be so heinous as to have their toilet paper installed incorrectly.

Lent: I know - why would lent make me mad? The answer to that would be: Have you forgotten I am crazy? Because that’s the only explanation. But lent pisses me off. I grew up in a church where we didn’t give things up for lent or forgo meat on Fridays, so it’s understandable that it’s not my “thing.” But it pisses me off anyway. Not the people who do it – they’re great. But the mere concept of it pisses me off. Probably because I have so many other things to go to hell for (being pissed off at lent, perhaps?), and I don’t believe that giving something up or not eating meat means a damned thing.

Grammar over-correction: OK – we all hate when people use your instead of you’re or there instead of their, etc. but the one that pisses me off the very most is when people misuse me and I. Not in the way you would suspect, though. I don’t love it when someone uses me when they should use I (“John and me went to the store” vs “John and I went to the store”), but what REALLY pisses me off is when someone makes the opposite mistake (“She brought a gift for John and I” vs the correct “She brought a gift for John and me”). While the first one irritates me, I understand that it is based in either a simple mistake (which I sometimes make myself) or lack of knowledge. But what pisses me off about the second is that it stems from people trying to look smart. They think that it is ALWAYS correct to use I rather than we. And I know (or my crazy mind makes me think) that when they hear me speak CORRECTLY and say “for John and me” that they are thinking that I am wrong and dumb and they are right and smart and better than me. And that sends me into fits of rage and frustration. And what aggravates me the most is that I learned this in 3rd grade and it’s the easiest thing to remember: Remove the other person from the sentence and it will be clear which to use. You would say “Me is going to the store” or “She brought a gift for I.” See – easy!

Did you try: It pisses me off when I express a problem I am having and someone replies with “Did you try (insert some very basic fix here)?” I know that people are trying to help, but when I talk about years of problems with my mother and you respond with “Did you try talking to her about it?” I will punch you in the face. Because if I am so stupid that after 43 years, it never occurred to me to try that, then I am too stupid to be alive. Take that rage and multiply it by approximately 10 hojillion and that will give you an idea of how pissed off I get when I am having computer problems and someone says, “Did you try restarting it?”

I'm crazy and I know it.

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Magpie said...

ha ha ha ha ha - i love your grammar over-analysis.

also, yeah, IE. WHY? what bugs me the hell out is when some bank or whatnot REQUIRES the use of IE in order to transact business. gah.

Logical Libby said...

You're not crazy. And eventually Congress will pass a law about the Dole whip thing.

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ettible said...

I found you on the blogroll of another friend's blog, and even though this post is a million years old, I just had to say "yes".

YES. Grammar over-correction. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? It actually sounds wrong to me when people use the wrong word, so how does it not sound wrong to these people? I wrote "me and Bridgette" once while tagging a picture on Facebook to denote that the person on the left was me and the person on the right was Bridgette, and then I made fun of myself for it in the comments, and a friend chimed in and said that I actually meant "I and Bridgette".